An Email Exchange with Pistachio
By
November 8, 2013

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Dear Pistachio,

Hi! I love you! I miss you! Did you know that I love you more than anything? I do.

Love,
Allegra (your owner)

Dear Allegra,

Thank you! I love you, too. I look forward to your return, upon which I will eat many helpings of beef.

Hungrily,
Pistachio 

Dear Pistachio,

When have I ever fed you beef? I never have beef. I’m not giving you beef. Anyway, I love you lots! See you when I get home from work!

Love,
Allegra

Dear Allegra,

Thank you for the kind words. However, it is difficult for me to reconcile your words with your actions, having recently learned of the absence of beef in our home. Please clarify: do you or do you not love me enough to pick up beef on the way home?

Starvingly,
Pistachio

Dear Pistachio,

I do love you, but you have plenty of food and I don’t like beef, so no, I’m not going to pick any up on the way home from work. Just chew on your bone and I’m sure you’ll forget all about the beef.

Love,
Allegra

P.S. You’re not starving, and please stop throwing that word around.

Dear Allegra,

With all due respect, I don’t think you know what it’s like to hunger as I have hungered. In a way, it makes me glad to know you’ve never experienced this kind of misery. But until you know what it’s like to have been without food for two, even three hours, please do not tell me whether or not I am starving.

Emaciatedly,
Pistachio

Dear Pistachio,

The beef thing is not going to happen. I’ll be happy to take you on a walk when I get home, though!

Love,
Allegra

Dear Allegra,

I write this with tired paws and a general malaise that I can only attribute to the gross lack of beef in my diet. I appreciate your offer, however half-hearted, to walk me when you get home. However, I highly doubt I’ll be up for the task, as my spirit is waning by the minute. My beefless life–if you can call this living–has taken its toll on me.

I hope I live to greet you upon your return, but if I don’t make it, I guess we’ll know whose fault it was.

Despairingly,
Pistachio

Dear Pistachio,

The dog walker will be there soon, and I told her to give you half a teaspoon of peanut butter, okay?

Love,
Allegra

Dear Allegra,

Thank you for your warm response! I don’t know what it is, but recently my spirits have taken a turn for the joyous. I feel strong, barkative, and much more like my old self. What a thing it is to be young and so in love with life! At any rate, I look forward to our happy reunion at the end of the day.

Peanutbutterily,
Pistachio

 

 

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