For decades we have been receiving a series of 30-second transmissions from a planet known as “World.” The transmissions originated from an alien race that calls itself “people.” In an attempt to determine whether or not contact with this creature might benefit our race we have conducted a comprehensive survey of these transmissions and have gathered the following information about the people race.
1) Peoples are mostly white, but sometimes come in other shades.
2) They consume a beverage called “beer” as part of a mating ritual.
3) During this mating ritual, the white male of the species grows facial hair and dawns a flannel garment over his shoulders and torso while the female puts her large breasts on display.
4) All female peoples have large breasts.
5) Overindulgence in mating can lead to a sexually transmitted disease known as “herpes.” Peoples afflicted with the herpes virus enjoy all manner outdoor activities. They seem determined not to let herpes slow them down.
6) When male peoples reach old age, they must take capsules in order to mate. The production of these capsules seems to be the primary focus of people medical research.
7) After taking the mating capsules male peoples can copulate for up to four hours at one time, but afterwards they must see a doctor.
8) Peoples sometimes breathe through tubes called “cigarettes,” though they are constantly trying to convince themselves not to breathe through these tubes.
9) Some peoples transport themselves in high-speed motorized conveyances called “cars.” Cars are very rare and are usually driven by the white male of the species on empty city streets or on cliff sides.
10) Cars run on a mysterious type of fuel called “auto insurance.” The peoples have sent out many transmissions about auto insurance, however they have not provided any information about its chemical composition.
11) Based on the remarkably large volume of transmissions we have received on this subject, we believe that overpaying for auto insurance is the greatest problem facing the people race.
12) There is at least one other intelligent life form living alongside peoples on planet World. This species is known as the “geico.” The geico is a small green creature that has been saving peoples 15% or more on auto insurance for over 75 years.
13) Our presumption is that geico carcasses are used as a slightly cheaper source of fuel.
14) Peoples enjoy consuming psychotropic drugs called “Skittles.”
15) There is a charity organization known as “McDonalds,” which helps the people community in some way. Our research has yet to determine exactly what this charity does.
16) The University of Phoenix is the center of all higher learning on planet World.
17) Peoples celebrate a 2-month long festival called “Holiday Season,” in which they buy expensive gifts to appease a god named Santa.
18) Peoples observe another minor festival known as “Presidents Day.” Our research is inconclusive as to who or what “Presidents” is, but we do know that the term is in some way connected to discounts on mattresses.
19) The two known religions on planet World are “Mormonism” and “Scientology.” We know nothing about the tenants of these religions, nor do we know which one worships the god Santa, as we are unable to connect to their toll free numbers.
20) The people race has developed a knife so sharp that it can cut through copper coins and leather shoes. We are certain that this is the greatest weapon known to peoplekind.
21) This super knife is available to all peoples 18 years of age or older.
22) Peoples believe that there is an appreciable difference between $9.99 and $10. This means that their minds are feeble and can be easily influenced.
Based on the deductions we have made from these transmissions, we have determined that the people species is not highly intelligent, however they are very industrious and inventive. Our recommendation would be to destroy planet World, enslave the people race, and force them to make a bunch of those super knives for us. Keep in mind these are merely recommendations based on the available data and are open to revisions depending on whether or not peoples prove themselves useful as food or fuel.
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