An Incomplete List of Dicey Situations I Could Get Out of by Executing a Perfect Backflip
By
May 17, 2016

I’m at the State Fair. A terrorist puts a gun to my head and forces me to be a judge in the fair’s amateur backflip contest. After several rounds of competition, the two front-runners are locked in a tie. I rise from the judges’ table, glide straight into a perfect standing backflip and knock the dumb kids from the stage. “Does that answer your question?” I ask the terrorist. “What question?” he wonders, but before he can say it I’ve backflipped into a spin kick and launched his ass right into a cotton candy machine.

I’m up on the diving board and Derek is telling the whole girls’ soccer team about how I cried when we watched Watership Down in English Lit. I backflip into the pool from two storeys up like it was nothin’ and the soccer team doesn’t even finish their season because they spend the rest of the summer making out with me, hard.

I’m standing on a staircase that starts to collapse beneath me. The only way out is back up but I don’t have enough time to turn around and walk. I backflip up the stairs like freakin’ Daredevil. The security camera footage goes crazy viral and I get rich off endorsements.

My mom’s yelling at me about some bullshit but I’m standing in front of a big window that is easily broken by a backflip.  

I’m walking on a desert highway wearing a leather jacket. I know a car is coming up behind me, the driver trying to run me over because of my actions in my criminal past. I never look back, but my heightened instincts tell me just when to unleash my ball-dropping backflip. The car spins out and crashes into a cactus. The driver is revealed to be Derek, and he does not survive.

Derek’s at my door and I’m like, “Derek what in the actual fuck are you doing here?” and he’s like, “Is Jamie home?” In a flash I realize that my dumbass sister has been seduced by this walking Daniel Tosh cut-out with perfectly-rounded shoulders. I yell up, “Jamie, are you freakin’ kiddin’ me?!” because this is honestly the last straw. She’s coming down the stairs like, “What’s the big deal? We’re just going to Red Robin. Do you want to come?” I accept the invitation and after our food is served I backflip so that my feet kick up and knock the table over and the steak fries go all over the place, making Derek look like a tool.

I’m standing on a small box in front of a larger box.

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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