Successfully filibustering his own eulogy.

Producing a remake of The Princess Bride in which he plays every part except Billy Crystal’s role of Miracle Max. Crystal reprises the role, but after one day of shooting he’s so profoundly unfunny that Ted has to step in and show him how it’s done. After a brilliant take, Crystal starts a slow clap for Cruz, grabs him by the shoulders and whispers, “You’re Billy Crystal now.”

Pulling off wearing a tight-fitting polo.

Passing someone in a hallway, casually nodding and saying, “Hey, what’s up?” and having the person react like they’ve just spoken to a real live human man.

Fucking Ayn Rand on a pile John Wayne DVDs.

Dancing with his wife at his first White House state dinner. He feels a tap on his shoulder. “Mind if I cut in?” asks Ronald Reagan’s ghost. Cruz steps aside, and watches lovingly as White House doctors see his wife dancing with no one and immediately commit her to the insane asylum where they kept Renfield in Coppola’s Dracula. The memory of that film makes Cruz recite all of Keanu Reeves’s lines while gently masturbating.

Doing a tight five about the differences between how white people and black people order at McDonald’s while a Planned Parenthood sinks into the rising seas behind him.

Wrestling with Jessie Ventura and enjoying the erotic charge of two political heavyweights testing each other’s strength.

Pulling off wearing Hillary’s most turquoise pantsuit.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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