An Ode to My Retainers
By
December 16, 2013

You keep my teeth straight and aligned, what more can I say?
If there ever comes a time when I no longer need you well, that’ll be the day,
that I’ll break down and cry because a part of me is gone. In the words of my orthodontist Dr. Eric Loberg, “you have the most fucked up teeth I’ve ever come upon.”

Seemed a bit harsh though I knew he was right,
but that all changed when I met you, retainers, and slept with you every night.
Sometimes I’d awake in a cold, damp sweat feeling frightened and alone,
then I’d run my tongue over my teeth and think, “wait a sec, hold the phone,”
I am never alone for my retainers are here.
2003, yeah, that was our year.

It’s been ten glorious years and I couldn’t love you more.
I can’t say I know it all but this I know for sure:
that Invisalign can suck a dick, a mouthguard, the same.
Nothing will ever come between us, retainers, not even hoes, money or fame.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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