I hate you.

I know you’re supposedly a vital part of the ecosystem or whatever, so I guess it wouldn’t be the best idea to murder all of you, but I wish I could. In fact, I wish there were a research institute I could make donations to that would use my money to try and find a way to replace you with, I don’t know, literally anything else.

This is not hyperbole. One time I was having a nightmare in which my parents and childhood dog were being butchered by Nazis with machetes, and then I woke up and saw one of your kind on my wall, and ONLY THEN did I start screaming.

Conservative Christians often deplore Islam as the world’s most barbaric religion, insisting that it inspires and condones terrorism. They are wrong, of course. That superlative could only possibly be applied to Jainism, a religion which encourages its practitioners to literally carry a broom and sweep the ground in front of them as they walk so that they don’t accidentally step on and kill your ilk. INSANITY! As far as I’m concerned, any time a human has a chance to kill one of you and doesn’t, they’re committing terrorism, because eventually some unfortunate soul is going to encounter that survivor or that survivor’s brood and it will TERRIFY THEM!

Environmentalists often decry the use of pesticides on our food, claiming it could cause cancer and endanger wildlife. You know what I have to say to that? A little bit of cancer and a few dead birds is a small price to pay if it means keeping you away from my food. In fact, when I host a dinner party, I offer all of my guests a bowl of DDT to sprinkle on their food, just in case, because I AM A GENTLEMAN!

I would say more, but I agree so much with the words I’ve written that I keep spontaneously high-fiving my computer monitor, and I’m afraid if I keep writing I’ll end up ’fiving it with such enthusiasm that I’ll have to buy a new one. And I can’t afford that, because I just spent all my money on a high-end call girl I paid to dress up like an exterminator.

So please go fuck off and die.

Josh Eanes



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!