On this day God proclaims that Heaven will now be known as “The Citigroup Afterlife Center” (hereinafter, also referred to as “CALC”).

The CALC, formerly Heaven (or sometimes “The Heavens”), remains as it ever has been — a place where those who have lived a good life be rewarded with an afterlife of eternal bliss. No renaming will change that. But, the realities of the marketplace being what they are, God would be remiss if God did not act.

God be no dummy. In fact, God be omniscient. Thus, God be acting in accordance with the current market value of licensing the name of what was formerly known as Heaven.

God could not include the word “Heaven” in the current title because something like “Citigroup Heaven” would cause too much “brand confusion,” as advised by the attorneys for the other party to this licensing agreement, e.g. Citigroup Inc. Thus, the term “Afterlife Center” be bestowed.

God understands that thou may be used to calling it Heaven, but, God assures thou that with enough time thou shall call it The Citigroup Afterlife Center. 

To be clear, God be not “selling out.” God be only doing what any reasonable person, entity or CALC-ly Father would do. Put thyself in God’s sandals. Besides, it be God’s afterlife retention center for God to do with as He so wishes.

God realizes He may sound defensive, but God be merely anticipating some negative reactions. God should know as God created haters.

With the above in mind, God appreciates thine patience as the CALC goes through this rebranding period. For further inquiry, God requests that thou please contact His brand manager Josh Weiss at Revitalize Media.

Further, on this day, God proclaims that The Pearly Gates (aka Heaven’s Gate) will now be known as “The Crest Whitestrips Afterlife Center Passageway.”

Lastly, and once again, rest assured, God be not selling out!


The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!