We announce to you with great joy that Pyongyang will be the next headquarters for your book-shipment company Amazon.com, Inc. As you learn more about our powerful city, you must concede that we are the most formidable and productive business environment in the world. Note the following as you agree with our excellence:
Building Site/Architectural Specifications. The People have worked feverishly for eighteen days and nights, and the headquarters site for your computer business is mostly complete. The entrance features a 90-foot statue depicting our Dear Leader and Supreme Commander Kim Jong-Un wrestling and defeating an elk, as he did twice to win Summer Olympics gold medals. On many days these majestic offices will have electricity.
Transportation. You claim to be like the Amazon river, but our river is better. Your goods shall stream down the Mighty Taedong River flowing from Pyongyang, engorged by the tears of joy shed by Pyongyang’s millions of happy inhabitants. Nuclear warheads have also been retrofitted with baskets on top to deliver product across the vast oceans. In addition, our airport has two terminals and a runway.
Labor Force. Our many Workers are brilliant, loyal, and will sing your hymns with considerable harmony. Every worker above age nine is provided with soup and salt each Tuesday to provide strength and energy for their endless tasks. Lastly, there is a zoo on-site with rare leopards and plants to keep employees entertained during their ten-minute break from service. The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is a “right-to-work” state.
Government Incentives. You are very fortunate that we offer our great land and people to your merchandise firm. No further tax incentives are needed, and it would be insolent of you to ask such a thing. Nonetheless, in a spirit of generosity we offer a 5-year tax abatement and waiver of environmental and safety regulations.
Community/Quality of Life. Pyongyang has the finest ballets, gymnasiums, and vegetable gardens in all the world. The cold, dry Siberian winds will encourage workers to remain indoors and contribute to building your retail commerce machines. All citizens are provided with a television set which records their movements and offer on-demand viewings of entertaining programs including ”Our Great Leader is Very Tall” and “Let’s Trim Our Hair In Accordance WIth the Socialist Lifestyle.” In addition, Pyongyang offers two different apartment types featuring either light-gray or dark-gray concrete depending upon preference. Traffic congestion is minimal.
Intangible Considerations. Beware the outrageous claims of our enemies. They will soon be annihilated for their devilish trickery. Furthermore, our Glorious Leader has a smile that can light up the sky. Please take into account these intangible matters.
In closing, you have no choice but to bow to our greatness and succumb to our advances. We will proudly dominate as the new Amazon headquarters, or we will mercilessly reduce your company to a sea of fire. Thank you for your consideration.
Workers’ Party of Korea
Attachment: Letter of Recommendation by NBA superstar Mr. Dennis “The Worm” Rodman
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