Are You Doing Okay? Because Your Houseplant is Dying
By
February 16, 2016

Hey man, I just wanted to check in and see if you’re doing okay. You haven’t been yourself lately and your behavior has been troubling. I know this past month has got you down — work isn’t going well and you just were broken up with — you know, that’s a tough hand to be dealt. But your houseplant is clearly dying. Without question, it is not doing well. And to me, that is what is most concerning, to be honest.

I was very surprised to find that in your apartment, as I waded through the empty pizza boxes and whiskey bottles, your prized Japanese Peace Lily was wilting. Poor girl clearly wasn’t doing well. So as I pushed through the trash and puddles of urine to get to the kitchen, I couldn’t help but notice the little spray bottle you used to water your houseplant was near empty. Bone dry. Very concerning!

As quickly as I could, I grabbed the spray bottle from next to the large pile of cocaine and empty pill bottles and filled it with tap water. I know I’ll get an earful the next time I see you that tap water could be detrimental to the plant’s growth and that distilled water is a preferred method, but I was already moving like a bat out of hell. Honestly, I think I may have been running on pure adrenaline.

You were just beginning to awaken at this point, the vomit you were asphyxiating on may have done the trick, but I couldn’t be sure as I was busy delicately stroking the leaves of your Japanese Peace Lily. This plant meant so much to you, it would kill me if it died. It would kill you if it died.

It was then I noticed that your blinds were closed, for how long I couldn’t tell.  Ascertaining from the dried blood on the blinds, which I could easily compare to the fresh blood coming from your foot wound, I would have to say it was nearly a week that this beautiful plant went without any sunlight. And boy were it’s leaves beginning to brown, at an alarming rate I may add!

It then occurred to me that the apartment was feeling drafty, which as you’ve reminded me the Japanese Peace Lily must be kept in a warm environment. I noticed that the window beyond your blinds was shattered, with blood cascaded on the glass and a small amount of foot skin dangling from a sharp edge. I moved the plant as quickly as I could to the small fire that was developing on the curtains near your bed, fueled by the dangling and lit cigarette in your fingertips. That should keep it warm, for now at least.

I’m writing you this note, and leaving it on your desk, to let you know that I swung by. Hopefully, this will give you peace of mind that your plant is doing okay, and remind you that you have friends out there that are worried about your plant.

Also, as I’m leaving, I’m noticing that it smells like gas in your apartment. Something to check in with your landlord about when you wake up. I’ll be back to visit next week!

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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