This is sort of strange. I just played a ton of piano for like 45 minutes on a stage in front of you guys, but I didn’t get a standing ovation?

Guys, can you hear me? Yeah? Where is my standing ovation? Isn’t this how it works? I take piano classes, invite people to a recital, play some stuff on the piano – you know, press all the keys, smash it a few times – then everyone stands up and claps, I bow, walk off stage, and then everyone keeps standing up and clapping and I walk back on stage and bow again? Standing ovation, anyone? Heard of it?

Yeah, I know I’m back on stage, but not because of a standing ovation, just because I’m perplexed at this nonsense. You guys saw what I did right? I played every single key. From the front to the back in order. One at a time. I guess it wasn’t a “song”, as people traditionally think, but I still did some cool stuff. Remember when I was pressing two keys back and forth as fast as I could? Wasn’t that standing ovation worthy? Does anyone know how fast I was doing it? It was way faster than I normally practiced. I brought out my best today, but still no standing ovation? Jesus, what’s wrong with you all?

This is a crime. You guys are committing a crime against me.

Do I need to do it all again? You guys forget or something? Actually, I’m not going to take the risk and play it all again. I’m not going to be at the mercy of all you dirtbags, deciding whether or not I get a standing ovation. You guys don’t have any etiquette. I mean for crying out loud, remember when I stared at the piano from like 20 feet away, trying to press a key with the power of my mind? Have you guys seen that type of stuff before? I’m original. Not that cliché sitting and playing for the whole-time crap. Yet that still didn’t garner a standing ovation? What horseshit.

I almost want to throw this piano off the stage and into the audience. I’m so angry at you guys.

Mom? Dad? You guys out there? What the hell? Why didn’t you make everyone stand up and keep clapping? I’m out here playing my ass off, doing some crazy cool shit and what a dud this whole thing was. A whole year of piano key smashing and I’m out here like a fool with no standing ovation. Why did you guys even pay for my classes? Why did I lick all of the piano keys and tell everyone which fruit each key tasted most like if I wasn’t going to get a standing ovation? Man, I’m an idiot, trusting everyone here, like some stupid bozo. No, I’m not the stupid bozo. You guys are.

If you guys just got up out of your stupid seats and just kept clapping, maybe we wouldn’t be here right now. But you guys decided to sit your butts on your seats and give me the anti-standing ovation. I hate what you guys did to me. I hate you guys.

I’m never going touch a piano again now. I’m never going to put my toes on the piano and play little jingles ever again. I’m never going to slap a piece of salami on the piano ever again. I’m never going to get a haircut while playing the piano in front of 50 people ever again. I’m never going to say the word “piano” ever again. I’m never going to say a word that even sounds like “piano” ever again, like I won’t say “panini” or “Panama” or “prune juice for me please”. You guys have to live with this. I hope you all go home and think about what you have done. How you ruined a 33-year-old man’s dreams.

The next Mozart was just born, in the form of a middle-aged man with very few friends, and you guys killed him. You guys dropped a grand piano on him from the top of a 115-story building. Now he’s dead. Goodbye. This is the last you’ll ever see of me. Goodbye all!

Wait, what? Why are you guys all standing up and clapping? Is this it? Is this it? Oh my god. This is. Why you guys shouldn’t have! This was so unexpected! A standing ovation for me? Not in a million years! How sweet of everyone! I love you guys so much! Thanks for coming!! Stay for the reception! We have cookies and punch!

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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