As a 4-Year-Old, I’m Pretty Damn Sick of Hearing You Use the Phrase “As a Mother…”
By
April 6, 2017

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I want to first make it clear that these past four years have been, for the most part, wonderful. Your natural acumen as a mother is exceptionally adequate. You are a very, very good mommy, and I love you the best forever.

But, I must point out that your usage of the phrase “as a mother” is divisive and indulgent. The phrase is an appeal to authority that, in most cases, you simply don’t have. Many find your usage of the phrase “as a mother,” particularly in situations where being a mother is irrelevant, to be condescending, and I fear that it’s affecting my social standing on the playground.

Don’t misunderstand – boo-boos, rumbly tummies, Pinterest-inspired hot dogs sliced to look like octopuses – your work is exquisite. But these skills don’t translate to all aspects of life. Do you honestly believe that “as a mother” you “just know” that “all natural” “organic” Cheetos are actually better for me? They’re still just Cheetos, right? How about the teenage grocery store clerk you explained this to; Why would he care about your maternal opinions on cheese dust-covered fried cornmeal?   

Then there was the time you claimed to guess what the twist was in the Sixth Sense before seeing the movie, because “as a mother” you could just tell what was wrong with that boy. If you really knew, why didn’t you say that before seeing the movie then? Also, do you think that for Halloween I could be a policeman or maybe a Ninja Turtle?

Let’s just take a step back and consider the possibility that simply employing the phrase “as a mother” doesn’t automatically qualify your opinion. Entertaining this, it may also be worth giving thought to the opinions of others in regard to my rearing.

I know you’re my mommy, and you’re the best mommy, but all I’m saying is the pediatrician has 30 years of experience and a degree from John Hopkins. Maybe he has a point when he says there is zero scientific evidence that amber teething necklaces actually do anything.

Your use of the phrase “as a mother” has also transformed my routine playdates into a social minefield. I realize your intention was not to turn your little chubba bubba into a pariah, but I’ve been on the receiving end of several pointed comments from the mothers of my colleagues. In one such incident, Tyler McDonough’s mom was incensed when you said that you knew the green light in The Great Gatsby represented hope, because “a mother just knows these things.” EVERYONE knows what the green light represents! What does being a mother have to do with that? Were you suddenly given this knowledge the very moment I passed through your body? Is it just The Great Gatsby, or after giving birth do you receive a clear understanding of the symbolism within every book you read in high school?  

Tyler’s mother was so visibly upset; I could hardly bring myself to ask for assistance when washing my hands after potty. Ooh, and also I saw a firetruck today! But I digress.

Finally, and I must be brutally honest here, mommy, but perhaps you’re less qualified to provide unsolicited advice than you realize. Child-rearing is undoubtedly difficult. And even the best parents sometimes make mistakes. But the other mothers are perhaps unreceptive to your opinions as they’re aware of such incidents as the time you sleepily sent me to school with a whole red onion in my lunch pail instead of an apple. Or the time when you forgot to do laundry so you brought me to Gavin Weaver’s birthday party wearing a 23-year-old, Adult XL Planet Hollywood t-shirt. With this in mind, consider not being so forthright with parental advice.

I hope you don’t view this as a personal attack but instead as an opportunity to grow as a person and as a mommy. Please understand that all of this comes from a place of love, and I only want what is best for you. Also, can I get a pet hermit crab and name him Herman?

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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