Comedian Asterios “Touchdown” Kokkinos here, and they don’t just call me “touchdown” because I inappropriately touch strangers while pretending to fall down! No, I earned that nickname by having one of the best minds for fantasy football around. I’m never more at home than I am on the Football rink, so here are some of my can’t miss picks for your 2014 fantasy football draft!
1. Air Bud
There’s nothing in the rulebook that says you can’t draft Air Bud as your QB! And even if there is, just put up a big stink and they’ll let you have you way. Being a big baby works for me all the time. I do it Burger King until they give me extra Chicken Fries!
2. The Player From The Dark Knight Rises Who Outruns An Exploding Football Field
Look at this guy go! He not only beats the defense, he outruns death itself! And he doesn’t even drop the ball? He’s perfect for your “running guy” position. I wonder what happened to him later in the movie? Do you think he helped out with the Gotham resistance, or joined Bane’s nefarious forces? Sound off in the comments section we don’t have!
3. The Air Buddies
While technically only one of the Air Buddies is proficient in football (see above), the other four have the drive and conditioning to become two-sport athletes. Remember Bo Jackson? Now imagine five of them, in dog form! It’s what I do every night, and it’s really affecting my sleep! I’ve been awake for days now, someone help me!
4. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell
Think about it! If you’re behind on fantasy points, Roger can change the rules mid-game. Suddenly, touchdowns can mean you lose matches, and tackling your players can be punishable by death! Now I know people don’t like this guy because he’s a horrible human being who regularly defends spousal abusers. But hey: the whole world’s going up in flames. May as well win a few games on the way down!
5. The Angel In The Endzone
I never saw this movie, but I think having an angel hanging out in your endzone is a good idea. He can send the opposing team straight to hell, or incorporate his wings in a funny touchdown dance. Look, honestly, I’m stealing this pick from CBSSports.com. I didn’t have a lot of time to write this article, so I took a shortcut! So what? What are you gonna do about it? Any time, any place, reader!
7. That NFL on FOX Football Robot
Rounding out my team is the NFL on FOX football robot. Just try tackling him! Hurts just thinking about it. Also, as an employee of FOX, he can probably help your team get on The New Girl or something. Maybe the gang from The New Girl gets really into fantasy football. Can we stretch that out into an entire episode? I think so! What if it turns out Jess is really good at fantasy but she just picks the players at random? I bet that would piss off Nick. Could be a b-plot where Schmidt’s trying to teach Ceecee fantasy to get close to her again. Winston and The Coach could be perpetual third wheels. See, now you’re in the writers room of a major sitcom, and it’s all thanks to this robot! I knew he’d pay big dividends.
Well, that’s it for 2014. See you for the 2015 draft, which I promise, will include the funny looking football from Necessary Roughness!
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