At Least I Don’t Think There’s Anything Out There About Maru?
By
December 1, 2017

It’s depressing, I know. I loved Bill Cosby, Louis C.K., and Al Franken. I watched Annie Halland The Usual Suspects over and over. And Rosemary’s Baby—I guess there’s always the novel. (Ira Levin was underrated for his literary talent and was also hopefully not secretly creepy.) I was obsessed with Arrested Development. And there was that thing about David Bowie, and I know she said it was consensual, but seriously, she was fourteen? (I was still so sad when he died, and then Alan Rickman died right afterwards.) (Oh, shit, Alan Rickman lived a perfect life, right? RIGHT?)

But let’s look on the bright side, and that is that Maru, the Scottish Fold cat who lives in Japan and jumps in and out of boxes in a series of YouTube videos, has not turned out to be a predator so far. (Well, yes, cats literally are predators, but you know what I mean.) No one, to this date, has accused Maru of licking his balls in front of uninterested parties, or slipping something in their Friskies. To the best of anyone’s knowledge, Maru does not go up and say or do inappropriate things to other cats with whom he’s supposed to have a strictly professional relationship. Grumpy Cat, for instance, or Lil Bub, or Hello Kitty. (Yes, I know Hello Kitty is a cartoon, but I can’t think of a third famous real-life cat.) So let’s be thankful that there have been no news stories yet about how Maru once cornered Hello Kitty and said something like, “Nice pussy,” which would not only be degrading but just too easy of a pun.

Of course I do want to know if there’s something to know. (I even tried setting a Google alert for “pervy Japanese cat,” but I ended up receiving so many upsetting and irrelevant articles.) And I’m glad that more victims are feeling empowered enough to come forward. It’s more important for the truth to come out than for me to go on enjoying certain forms of entertainment. But I think it’s natural to hold out hope that there’s still someone out there who’s safe to be around. For now, though, we can keep watching videos of Maru jumping into a box that is clearly too small for such a great big kitty, without picturing him saying, “I’m a great big kitty, heh heh,” all suggestively, to intimidate Little Roo Russ. (There, I remembered a third cat.)

And if Maru has done anything, maybe some allowances could be made for him, since he is in fact a cat and therefore has limited impulse control? (On a somewhat related note, did you know that cat penises are covered in sharp little spines? They trigger ovulation in female cats and also keep them from running away during mating. And while I don’t think cats should necessarily be held to all of our human standards, I’ll admit that it’s troubling.) Maybe he could get help from Animal Planet’s cat behaviorist Jackson Galaxy? (Oh, god, please don’t let there be something out there about Jackson Galaxy…)

 

 

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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