To: All Employees
Re: Theft of Company Property
(Sorry to anyone who already read this last week. In light of the fact that the memo posted last week in the break room went missing, Mr. Jackson has instructed me to print up these individual copies. –Cheryl)
Attention all employees:
The use of company property for non-corporate (re: personal) functions is officially prohibited by the employee handbook. Examples of company property include coffee filters, paper clips, and money.
Taking the coffee filters from the break room, similar to the recent theft of 10,000 envelopes from the loading dock before they could be inventoried and added to the upstairs, downstairs, and ground floor supply closets is simply inconsiderate. How is anybody supposed to get any work done around here without a good cup of Joe? How are we supposed to send that good work out into the world without any envelopes? Let’s not make the days here any longer and harder than they need to be.
The missing paper clips are not as big of a deal. They are inexpensive, and of course as a paper clip manufacturer we have an abundant supply, but it’s the principle of the thing. Specifically, a principle that I think we could all work a little harder to embody in our day to day lives: STOP STEALING FROM OUR COMPANY!
Thirdly–and I might as well stress that these are not listed in order of importance–the money. Many of you have been with us since we were a burgeoning paper clips startup, when we provided lunch money for our employees to patronize local businesses and eateries. Today, it seems to me that some employees are abusing the lunch money, as well as the petty cash, the fun money, the mad money, the tip jar, the hijacker safe, the Friday bonuses, the donation bucket, the thing from the Lions Club with the mints, the Oscar pool, the retirement fund, and the swear jar.
We have always prided ourselves on being one big family here at Global Conglomerated Products International. After all, who among us hasn’t helped Little Steve with his gambling debts or bailed Big Steve out of jail? But when you constantly steal everything from this company you disrespect my brothers and me, our parents who started this company, and each other. I don’t know how else to say it. When you take home the milk, attempt to sell the furniture in Guest Services to our guests, or clean out the swear jar with no intention of buying pizza for the fellas down in the factory, you disrespect the Steves.
If you take only one thing from this memo–and let’s be honest, nobody around here is taking just one of anything–let it be this: we really need you to stop taking the money. For business reasons. We need the money. It’s super important.
We are going to be installing replacement surveillance cameras throughout the building over the next few weeks, and we will be upgrading locks throughout the office and plant as soon as the contractors have finished hanging new doors on all of the offices and supply rooms that need them. I’m also going to recommend that office employees bring their own lamps from home until we can get new wiring for the overhead lights done.
P.S. When you take my reserved parking space, you’re only cheating yourself out of a little exercise.
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