SIDDHARTHA GAUTAMA, pen name THE BUDDHA, authored The Four Noble Truths and The Eightfold Path. Or did he? He, and I, and you, and they, are free of the illusion of authorship and not attached to the material.

HERODOTUS of Greece, whom the Roman poetry slam champion Cicero has called “The Father Of History,” is a best–selling travel writer. In his wanderings to the ends of the world, Herodotus has learned of such wonders as the cannibalistic anthropophagi; the people of India who reverentially consume their dead parents’ bodies; and the Persian emperor who fed an impertinent nobleman his son’s roasted flesh. He longs for Greek food.

GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR is the author of Caesar’s Conquest Of Gaul, a masterpiece of military writing. Those who charge Caesar with coveting the title of History’s Greatest Military Writer are guilty of a calumny, as Caesar would publicly refuse the diadem even if you were offer it twice — though he fully expects you to offer it thrice.

The artist known to the West as CONFUCIUS is a philosopher, teacher, and political consultant whose Analects have influenced Chinese culture with the principles of social harmony for two–and–a–half millennia. Speaking of millennia, the Model Teacher for Ten Thousand Ages advises Millennials to honor their parents, and advises their parents to try really hard to deserve being honored.

HILLEL, a Hebrew prophet and noted aphorist, penned this bio while standing on one foot.

SUN TZU is the author of The Art Of War. He deems it imprudent to disclose the book’s contents publicly, but asserts that one who follows its precepts need not fear the result of a hundred battles.

SOCRATES OF ATHENS is a veteran of the Peloponnesian War, a philosopher, and a social critic. Is Socrates wise? You know the answer, even if you do not know that you do. Socrates himself knows nothing but this: the Athenian hemlock cocktail is to die for!

JESUS CHRIST is a teacher, carpenter, political activist, and motivational speaker with one mom and two dads. Jesus’s words have been translated into hundreds of languages, but he forgives you if you have not read his work.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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