Bad Advice
By
May 30, 2014

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Dear Robin,

There’s a woman at my job I can’t stand. She is constantly talking down to me, throws fits if she doesn’t get her way, threatens to go to our boss about minor things like the work microwave being too dirty, and is always extremely unpleasant. No one in the office likes her, and she’s starting to make me dread work. What should I do?

Dear Fucked,

You’ll notice that I gave you the nickname “Fucked” because that’s what you are. Having a terrible bitchy coworker is the worst and there’s very little you can do. Real change is not in the cards for you until one of you changes jobs, but you can at least protect yourself a little bit with these tactics:

1) Befriend the crazy.

Terrible bitchy coworkers always have a terrible boring hobby they’re super passionate about. There are many modern variations on the crazy cat lady that include but are not limited to:

-Being a “trend setter” on Pinterest
-Liking New Girl way too much
-Baking hella banana bread all the time for no reason
-Collecting unflattering blouses with ruffles
-Talking about having breakfast for dinner too enthusiastically
-Being too Christian

If you can identify what your terrible bitchy coworker’s hobby is, start giving her compliments about it. They don’t have to be thought out, just combine key vocabulary words with generic positive feelings. “Banana bread is great,” “Ruffles are cute,” or “I love Jesus” will do nicely. This will warm the terrible bitchy coworker’s heart a little bit, but probably not enough to make her tolerable. The only real option you have is:

2) Form a tight knit gossip collective with your other coworkers.

The only thing that’s going to protect you from the terrible bitchy coworker’s attacks is having an alliance with the rest of your office. Everyone probably already hates her, so pick your best work friend and start trash talking her hard core. After you guys have established several extremely mean/hilarious jokes at her expense, bring a third person into the gossip circle. Since the third person probably already hates her and can see your existing trash talk, they’ll quickly join in. Slowly expand the gossip collective until it includes most people from the office. If at any point you feel guilt about what you’re doing, remember that the terrible bitchy coworker drove you to this and that you’re definitely a nice person without provocation.

With your gossip collective, each insane outburst the terrible bitchy co-worker provides will simply be fodder for the hilarious slew of jokes about her. Pay careful attention to the terrible bitchy co-worker’s mannerisms and speech patterns, as this will dramatically improve any impressions you give of her later.

Combining these two techniques will ease the pain of working with the terrible bitchy coworker, but not eliminate it. Also, be careful because about half of the time they find out about the office collective and shit gets awkward.

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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