Beat the Heat Guide
By
July 5, 2013

Summer is here and it sure is hot. Here are ten recommendations to beat the heat! *

* This list was made possible by the generosity of General Mills, proud makers of Bugles corn snacks. 

1. Drink plenty of water… and eat plenty of Bugles!

2. Seal air leaks in your home. In addition to being a great snack, Bugles make an excellent sealant.

3. Take a large bowl, fill it with ice, and then place the bowl in front of a fan. Once the ice has melted, empty the remaining water, clean the bowl, pour Bugles into the bowl, and enjoy a delicious snack or just throw the Bugles away. I don’t care as long as you paid for Bugles.

4. Park your car in the shade. But don’t get out of your car after parking it. Stay inside and enjoy some Bugles corn snacks any way you like ‘em! Bugles are available in three flavors. You know that, right?

5. Go to the community pool – don’t forget the kids! Hey, forgot to mention the three exciting flavors Bugles come in – Original, Nacho Cheese, and Caramel.

6. Watch a movie in the theater – always air-conditioned, always fun. Bet you think I’m gonna say eat Bugles while watching the movie. No, I’m not. But, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that most theaters are really bad about checking purses and bags for outside food items.

7. Close your curtains to block out the sun. It’s so simple! And now, no one can see what goes on between you and your Bugles!

8. Head for the hills! If you have mountains nearby, they are usually the coolest spots around. Alright, look, I’m just gonna level with you. We have got to get Bugles sales up or they’re gonna start firing people in the ad department, which includes me. I really need this job! Please, I beg you.

9. Get into the “spritz” of summer! Keep a spray bottle full of water by your side and give yourself a spritz whenever you need it. Seriously, I really need the money from this job. My youngest just got into Georgetown. Do you have any idea how expensive that is with tuition and room and board? Not to mention, incidentals.

10. Eat light, easily digestible foods like salads. Look, I’m hardly ever like this – so pushy. But, things are really tight. For real. My mortgage is out of hand. I pretty much bought at the worst possible time, and now if I try to sell, I’ll get hosed. So, please, I’m asking as a fellow human being ­– buy some Bugles.

11. In the name of all things sacred and holy, buy some damn Bugles. I’ve needed gall bladder surgery for like two months now, but I’ve been putting it off because of the co-pay. Sure, it’s only an outpatient procedure, but I still think that shows just how serious I am about money right now. Okay, I’ve said my peace, and I’m gonna leave it there. What you choose to do is between you and your maker. Let’s hope your God is as forgiving as me. Oh, and wear a hat outdoors. It’ll keep you cool and can really spruce up an outfit!

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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