Beauty & The Beast Go Clubbing
By
November 3, 2014

“I’m so glad to get out of that stuffy castle,” said Beauty, as she and The Beast walked along a street, the faint sound of pulsating house music slowly getting louder with each step they took.

“Well, I didn’t mean to keep you cooped up, but it’s hard for me to leave. You know, because of my condition… the way I look. I, uh, I feel scorned,” replied The Beast, revealing his vulnerable side.

“You never have to feel scorned in my presence. I like you just the way you are. You are the only one for me,” comforted Beauty.

Just then, as The Beast was overcome by the feeling of love, he noticed a long line to get into Club 57.

“Wow, that’s a long line. Is it really worth going here?” asked The Beast.

“Club 57 is the hottest club in town. It’s so worth it according to Mimi and Natasha,” replied Beauty. “They said I should be able to just get in by walking to the front of the line.”

“Huh? They’re gonna let you in because you walk to the front of the line. Frankly, that belies the concept of a line,” said The Beast.

Beauty replied, “Well, Mimi and Natasha said it won’t be a problem for someone who looks like me, whatever that means.”

Now at the front of the line, the doorman looked Beauty up and down. The Beast stood by uncomfortably.

“Yo, girl, damn, you can get in here, or in my apartment any time,” said the doorman as he unhooked the velvet rope separating the club from the clubgoers.

Getting a look at The Beast, the doorman remarked, “Hold on, thing. Back of the line.”

“Oh, he’s with me,” remarked Beauty.

“What? You must be co-workers or something. I mean–” replied the doorman.

“No, we’re dating,” said an annoyed Beast cutting off the doorman.

“Good one. Alright, get on in there, lovebirds,” said the doorman with obvious sarcasm.

As Beauty and The Beast entered the club, the music was deafening. The lights were dim and flashing. The Beast was happy to be in the dark.

“I’m going to stand in the corner. This place isn’t for me,” yelled The Beast directly into Beauty’s ear.

Beauty, now yelling directly into The Beast’s ear replied, “No, I’ve never been clubbing. We have to stick together. Besides, you’re coming to meet Mimi and Natasha. They’re my best girlfriends and I want you to meet them.”

“Okay, sure,” The Beast reassured with a smile.

Beauty and The Beast took a few steps and then Beauty noticed Mimi and Natasha.

Mimi and Natasha ran up to Beauty holding jello shots as Natasha excitedly said, “Hey, slut!”

Getting a look at The Beast, Natasha then yelled over the music, “Is this a co-worker?”

“Can people stop saying that?” muttered The Beast to himself.

“No, he’s my boyfriend I was telling you about,” yelled Beauty to Natasha.

“Oh, okay, this is your boyfriend,” yelled back Natasha. “Are you a pro athlete?” Natasha then asked The Beast.

“No, I’m not a pro athlete,” responded The Beast, trying to hide his annoyance.

“Huh? Well, interesting,” mumbled Natasha.

“Come on, slut, let’s get wasted!” yelled Mimi to Beauty, finally offering her point of view.

“Do you mind?” asked Beauty, looking lovingly at The Beast.

“Go ahead. I’ll be waiting for you,” said The Beast, as he had said many times before.

The three girls headed off, with Mimi remarking within earshot of The Beast, “So, his castle must be nice for you to be dating him, huh?”

The Beast was no fool. He knew what was going on. He was used to the judgment, hence, his earlier apprehension at going clubbing at all–well, that, and he hated house music.

But, now, The Beast was actually smiling because he knew Beauty loved him just the way he was. As he was pondering his good fortune, shortly after she had left, Beauty tapped The Beast on the arm and excitedly said, “Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!”

“What is it? Is something wrong?” asked a concerned Beast.

“No, but a guy just came up to me when I was talking to some players for The Dallas Cowboys who are in town. I mean, The Cowboys came up to me and just started talking to me and they don’t even know me. They even offered to serve me drinks in their hotel rooms. What nice guys! But, my point is, this guy came up to me and said he runs a modeling agency and I should go to his house and pose for some pictures in his jacuzzi. I’m gonna be a model!”

“But, Beauty, what are you talking about? I thought you were gonna go to nursing school.”

“I can go to nursing school when I’m done modeling. And, here’s Zane’s card. He’s an agent!”

The Beast looked at a business card Beauty was holding that read “Zane, High-Powered Modeling Agent” with nothing else on it.

“This is his card?” said a skeptical Beast. “He doesn’t seem reputable. I think he’s preying on your naiveté.”

“Gotta go…but, I don’t know if I can call you anytime soon, because, Zane–that’s the high-powered modeling agent–he said models shouldn’t have boyfriends unless their boyfriends are high-powered modeling agents. He must know what he’s talking about. Look at his card! He’s a high-powered modeling agent himself!” said Beauty, as she immediately headed for the door.

The Beast ran after her and just as he made it out the door he saw Beauty stepping into one of those sports cars with doors that open upwards. Oddly, the sports car seemed to be playing the exact same obnoxious music coming out of the club.

“Beauty, wait!” pleaded The Beast as the car sped off.

“She your ride back to the office?” asked the doorman

“No, we live in my castle…uh, together,” said The Beast.

“You a pro athlete?” asked the doorman.

“No! And, I guess, we lived in my castle together. Not anymore.”

“Alright, man, well, I know you were already in there, but, since that hot girl isn’t with you anymore, I’m gonna have to ask you to go to the back of the line,” said the doorman. “And, odds are not looking good you’ll get back in.”

“Don’t worry about it,” replied a crestfallen Beast. Sadder than he’d ever been, The Beast trudged across the street, shoulders slumped, entered a pizza parlor and went to town on multiple pepperoni slices.

 

The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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