To Margaret
For teaching me how to dance… slowly in the pale moonlight.

To my cousin Lonnie
For showing me that love is real and that social “barriers” and “laws” are meant to be broken.

To my pet koala Susan
You continue to do you and for that I am forever indebted.

To my cousin Lonnie once again
I’ll never forget the way you ladeled a helping of gravy onto your mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving ’98, that’s when I found the strength to write this book, Forbidden Summers With My Cousin Lonnie.

To my parents
Who are you? I’d love to know.

To my next door neighbor Geoffrey
The anger you ignited in my soul when you accidentally trampled my basil patch left me with a fire inside that propelled me to write this book, Basil and Blades: Geoffrey’s Gonna Die.

To the drip in my bathroom sink
Thank you for reminding me that life is imperfect and wet.

If I could just send one more quick message to Lonnie
Prison is great. “If loving you is a crime, then baby, I’m happy to do the time.” That’s a little excerpt from my next book Poems From Behind Bars; Lonnie Is An Angel.

To my barista Sandra
For making the most perfect bone dry cappuccino this side of the Mississippi.

To my other barista Milton
For making the most perfect bone dry cappuccino on the other side of the Mississippi.

To Bananas
For being flexible enough to come in a bunch or individually or in twos, threes or fours. Truly the most selfless fruit around today.

How about just one more for my beautiful cousin Lonnie
Please convert all of the money in my savings account into pesos and meet me on the other side of the electric fence outside the prison. I will be wearing nothing but a kimono and a smile. We’re going to Mexico.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!


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