By Tim McGraw
(No, not the famous country singer Tim McGraw. Yes, I will still sign your wife and/or daughter’s breast)
I’m a proud family man, and like you, readers, a proud conservative. I know I’m not alone here when I say that I have a problem with many of the terrible ideals that those Hollywood liberals are trying to sneak into my kids’ brains through television, movies, and yes, even those books that you may have thought were nothing but harmless stories. I’ve gathered up some of the worst offenders below, complete with good wholesome alternatives. Conscious book buying is just like your gun: it can protect your family.
Clifford The Big Red Dog
Clifford could not be a more obvious stand-in for communist ideals invading a small all-American town. Instead of sending him back to Russia, they accept him with love and kindness, and I will not have Tim Jr. and Little Timothy exposed to that treasonous trash.
Instead Read: Richard the Big White Man
The Little Prince
Might as well be called The Weakling Disappointment who’ll never play football, no role model for my boys
Instead Read: The Strong President: Ronald Reagan
Bi-Curiosity killed the lord and savior Jesus Christ because it is a sin
Instead Read: Aggressively Heterosexual George
This book refuses to acknowledge the moon landing was a hoax. Its complacency in fooling the nation is shameful and abhorrent.
Instead Read: Goodnight, Studio Soundstage
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Harold is trying to play God with this blasphemous crayon and will be struck down by the almighty
Instead Read: Harold Sits Quietly While Waiting for His Reward That Will Come in the Afterlife
The Giving Tree
The tree is the government, giving handout after handout, and the boy is sucking at its sappy teet until it is all dried out. Disgusting.
Instead Read: The Bootstraps Bush
If you’re interested in purchasing any of the suggested books above, they are all written by me and published by me, at the Kinko’s on Georgia St. You can direct all inquiries firstname.lastname@example.org or in the Tim McGraw fan forum message boards as TimMcDaddy34
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!