By Tim McGraw

(No, not the famous country singer Tim McGraw. Yes, I will still sign your wife and/or daughter’s breast)

I’m a proud family man, and like you, readers, a proud conservative. I know I’m not alone here when I say that I have a problem with many of the terrible ideals that those Hollywood liberals are trying to sneak into my kids’ brains through television, movies, and yes, even those books that you may have thought were nothing but harmless stories. I’ve gathered up some of the worst offenders below, complete with good wholesome alternatives. Conscious book buying is just like your gun: it can protect your family.

Clifford The Big Red Dog

Clifford could not be a more obvious stand-in for communist ideals invading a small all-American town. Instead of sending him back to Russia, they accept him with love and kindness, and I will not have Tim Jr. and Little Timothy exposed to that treasonous trash.

Instead Read: Richard the Big White Man

The Little Prince

Might as well be called The Weakling Disappointment who’ll never play football, no role model for my boys

Instead Read: The Strong President: Ronald Reagan

Curious George

Bi-Curiosity killed the lord and savior Jesus Christ because it is a sin

Instead Read: Aggressively Heterosexual George

Goodnight, Moon

This book refuses to acknowledge the moon landing was a hoax. Its complacency in fooling the nation is shameful and abhorrent.

Instead Read: Goodnight, Studio Soundstage

Harold and the Purple Crayon

Harold is trying to play God with this blasphemous crayon and will be struck down by the almighty

Instead Read: Harold Sits Quietly While Waiting for His Reward That Will Come in the Afterlife

The Giving Tree

The tree is the government, giving handout after handout, and the boy is sucking at its sappy teet until it is all dried out. Disgusting.

Instead Read: The Bootstraps Bush

If you’re interested in purchasing any of the suggested books above, they are all written by me and published by me, at the Kinko’s on Georgia St. You can direct all inquiries or in the Tim McGraw fan forum message boards as TimMcDaddy34


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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