Boss Baby: United Airlines CEO
By
April 18, 2017

“It appears that security dragged a paying customer down the aisle of a boarded plane,” lamented the Boss Baby to his board of directors, oversized head resting in his adorably tiny palms. He called out to his assistant. “Janice, looks like I’m going to have to cancel play time. Again.” 

It had been only three weeks since he was appointed Chief Executive Officer of United Airlines, but Boss Baby couldn’t catch a break even if his mommy had placed it right next to him in the crib. Nobody said being the first ever infant CEO of a major airline would be easy, but the crises kept building up faster and higher than any set of stacking rings approved for newborns.

Initially, the board of United Airlines figured instituting a precocious, talking baby in a little suit as CEO would be good for business. What could go wrong they, thought? Two PR misfires later and business was reeling. Stocks plummeting. Customer confidence sinking. Boss Baby and United were the punch line of nearly every joke on Twitter. Lucky for Boss Baby, he was too young to use social media or read, for that matter.

The United board now found themselves holding Boss Baby’s feeties to the uncomfortably warm bathwater. They had hired Boss Baby for his ingenuity and chubby cheeks. Now was time to put both of those to use. He’d either find a solution and save the company or get kicked out and go through life as a so many do: a failed infant CEO.

“Leave me to think,” said Boss Baby to his board.

The board members pretended to leave the nursery-conference room hybrid space but they just put their hands in front of their faces. They often took advantage of their CEO’s lack of object permanence in order to eavesdrop.

“Except you, Christina,” shouted out Boss Baby. “Stay here with me.”

Boss Baby had taken a particular liking to Christina Tan, a recent Wharton graduate who, like himself, had risen the corporate ladder at an astonishingly quick pace. He saw himself in her. He also enjoyed her shiny necklace. Babies love shiny things.

“I don’t know what to do, Christina,” said a defeated Boss Baby. “A complete revision of our corporate policies and crew training protocol? An extensive PR apology tour? Complimentary binkies and juice for the next year? Nothing will be enough for these damn vultures.”

Only then, did Christina notice the bags under Boss Baby’s eyes. He looked at least 10 weeks older than his age.

“You haven’t been napping have you,” asked Christina.

“That obvious?” said Boss Baby. “I’ve been foregoing my 3pm naptime so I can sit in on the corporate think-tank sessions.”

“A tired Boss Baby, is no Boss Baby at all,” replied Christina. “Why, then it’s just a sleepy lil’ baby, isn’t he? Isn’t it just a sleepy little baby boy. Yes it is. Yes you are.”

Boss Baby cooed. “You sure do know how to inject sunlight into even the bleakest of nights.”

“Here, take this,” said Christina as she passed Boss Baby a bottle of cold breast milk. Not her breast milk, though, because Christina was not Boss Baby’s biological mother. “You need it.”

Boss Baby took a swig and a deep sigh. He looked back up at Christina.

“Remember when we were worried about that leggings fiasco,” he laughed between sips of breast milk. “If I only I knew how young I was.”

EPILOGUE

The Department of Labor shut down United Airlines for violating child labor laws by instituting an infant as CEO, resulting in their third PR fiasco in less than one month’s time.

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


CARTOONS

facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!