Looks like it’s that time of year again. Breakup season! The time of year we drop that dead weight and realize that we have so much more potential. Breaking up can be tough, especially when you’ve been with someone a long time and created these dumb things called “memories.” But don’t fret. You can always create new memories. Better memories! Memories that don’t flip when you text Brianna.
We have all been broken up with for one reason or another. More often than not it’s a lie and I deserved way better than that. I mean you. You deserve way better than that. If you want to break up with somebody, don’t use a cliché. Try the truth. Not a lot people are good at the truth. (Trust me! I mean trust you. Trust yourself?)
Things like, “We don’t have that spark anymore,” or “Maybe we should see other people,” are boring. Be original. You don’t want to break someone’s heart, you want to shatter it so your legacy can live on forever! You want to be the one that got away, oh so far away. If you’re unsure where to start, let me help you. Here are some red hot reasons to leave someone. Feel free to abandon as many human beings that have felt a genuine connection with you as you want!
1. I want to make mistakes with other people.
2. I stopped liking you once I got to know you.
3. It’s the distance. We need more of it.
4. Remember when I said I would never love anyone as much as you? Well, never is an actual place within our timeline and I met this person last Monday.
5. My heart says yes, but literally everything and everyone says no. My heart is dumb.
6. We are both entering different chapters of our lives and I have to kill off your character.
7. I like someone else. It’s totally the person you hate the most. I think that is why I like them.
8. I have one syllable in my name, you have three. We don’t sound cute enough.
9. You’re not very photogenic and it is affecting my like-to-picture ratio on social media. I have a strong presence.
10. Someone else has been on my mind. And in my bed. And in my car. And in your apartment.
After you have totally ripped out this person’s heart, choose an appropriate follow up. Here are the top three.
1. It’s okay, we don’t have to be friends.
2. Yes, you can have your stuff back. It’s all lame anyways. I mean, Magic the Gathering Cards? Are you for real?
3. Yes, I’ll still love you, but only when you ask me if I still do.
Know that you will never find happiness through other people. Only you can find that within the depths of your own cruel personality, you heartbreaker, you.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!