Here is a tale of a boy, and self discovery. I don’t know why I felt compelled to tell/write this story. But it is one that I must tell. It rhymes. Rhyming is hard.

Brian Brown

It was a cold rainy night.
In an old run down town.
In a real tiny house
Lived the young Brian Brown.

His parents were gone.
They were out on a date.
So Brian decided to stay up real late.

He ate cookies, cake, and brownies, too.
He turned on the TV to check out what’s new.

He flipped through the channels.
All five hundred and three.
“There is nothing to watch! There is nothing for me!”
He thought about sleeping. Maybe catching some Z’s.
Suddenly, Brian saw something he wasn’t to see.

He saw a commercial with a number attached,
To call up some girls behaving very bad.

His body felt funny. He felt paralyzed, too.
His body felt worse than the time he ate glue.
His penis got stiff. He was hard as a board!
His dick was so heavy, he fell to the floor.

He was hard for two hours, probably more.
Brian quickly stood up, then fell back to the floor.
“I hate this!” he cried. “I can’t take it no more!”
Then he had an idea. He thought of a cure.

“I’ll punch it, poke it, and pull it hard, too.”
The pain was exciting. He never felt pleasure so true!
Brian probed it for hours. No longer than two.
He was saddened to see that his penis had grew.

“This feels truly nice!”, oh if he only knew…
He’d run out of ideas, “I’m finished! I’m through!”
A slight graze of his hand gave him a clue.

“I should embrace this pleasure!”, he said feeling smug.
He gave it a pull, and a bit of a tug.
He rubbed, and he rubbed,
Until he had cum!!!

He came on the walls!
He came on the floor!
He even came on his N64!

“What’s this?!” he asked,
As he felt with his thumb.
It’s sticky like honey,
But also like gum.
Immediately after, his whole body went numb.

He was scared for his life.
“Oh what have I done?”
“I broke it!” he cried. Sounding incredibly dumb.
“It’s over! I’m finished! I’ve had a good run.”

Brian was clueless.
It was just cum.

He ran to his bed. He just wanted to hide.
He stood up all night, and he cried and he cried.
Without a peep, his parents arrived.

He woke up the next morning too early, like, five.
Brian freaked out. He swore that he died.
He looked at the walls. All the cum had just dried.
Brian was amazed at the powers he held deep inside.

He tried to recall all that occurred.
Last night just felt like such a big blur.
“I know that I’ll fix this. Of this I’m sure.”
He picked up his phone to search again for a cure.

Brian typed in his phone, “Sticky stuff everywhere.”
The result was a website. It said “Click if you dare.”
Brian looked all around. He saw nobody there.
He was delighted to see that the whole room was bare.

What he saw was amazing! Oh, what a scene!
His dick got so hard, it ripped straight through his jeans!
He saw millions of vids. He just wanted to cream.
Brian spent a whole hour deciding what to stream.

He saw Asian, Vintage, and even Mature.
Every video he thought, “How I’d love to meet her.”

“I’m glad that I found this all on my own!”
Then he saw a small ad. “Real chicks want 2 bone!”
He was surprised. Only 3 miles from home!
“Maybe next time, when I’m home all alone.”

He clicked anyway! Then heard a loud moan.
It woke up his parents! He didn’t know they were home!
He heard his dad yell.
Quickly, he thought of a good lie to tell.

His parents burst straight through his door.
“We know what you’re watching! We know that it’s porn!”
Brian was startled, his little heart torn.

“No! It’s not porn!” he tried to contest.
“I’m using my phone to review a test!”
“Oh, yea?” asked his mom.“Why is there cum on your chest!?”
Brian knew he was done, so he put it to rest.

“But why are you mad? Is it a crime?”
Brian continued, “Why, oh why?”
“You’ll make Jesus cry!”
“Your eyes will go blind!”
Brian shot back, “Oh, that I don’t mind!”
Brian’s parents stormed out. Leaving him behind.

Brian picked up his phone. And kicked off the sheets.
He spent the rest of his life beating his meat.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!