Mark Mitchell is a writer and performer living in Los Angeles. If using the childhood pet/street formula, his porn name would be "Crackers Saddleback." He is enthusiastic about candy. If you like Twitter but wish you followed people who never tweet, might I recommend following him?

Yo dudes. Summer hits hard in only a few short days, which means time is tickin’ for gettin’ our last few reps in before the shirts come off and the honeys start buzzin’. With only a few secs left, it’s best we focus on two major muscle groups to ensure maximum swoleness: trips and bips.

Ya know, trips and bips. People playin’ fast and loose with oxygen might call them “triceps” and “biceps,” but, my dudes, it’s a well known fact that muscles require lots of oxygen to achieve peak swoleocity. Sayin’ whole words †akes a lot more oxygen than sayin’ short words, and constantly holdin’ onto as much oxygen as you can is like 99% of what you need to build muscle mass. Take it from me. I’m huge! 

Dudesteroos, are you holdin’ your breath right now? You should be! Holdin’ your breath means there’s nowhere for your oxygen to escape. It has to get forced back into your muscles! Try inhalin’ only once every minute, and focus on pushin’ that oxygen toward your biceps. Oxygen bubbles bein’ driven into your muscles are guaranteed to make them bigger. It’s just simple science! If you’re not lettin’ the bubbles escape, your body has to make room for them by pumpin’ your muscles up, like a tan, hairless bike tire. Can’t you feel the swoleitude already?

The ultimate goal is to evolve your body into a weightliftin’ temple where all the dudettes want to worship. Have you ever heard of evolution? If you start today by breathin’ half as much as you did yesterday, then continue to halve that amount every day, pretty soon your body isn’t goin’ to need oxygen at all. Pretty rad, right? It’s just simple evolution! Leave the breathin’ to the nerds. Once your temple doesn’t need oxygen, any extra-curricular breathin’ you do can be channeled directly to your sweet ass bips. It’s what Arnold Swole-zenegger does! That ultradude left behind normal breathin’ years ago.

Feelin’ lightheaded? Push through that wall, dudes of my heart! Don’t focus on the breathin’ you’re doin’ now, focus on the breathin’ you don’t want to be doin’ in the future. It’s just like The Secret. Create a vision board with pics of you bein’ Swolezilla and not breathin’. Project those thoughts out into the universe, and that reality will become manifest. It’s just simple metaphysics!

Brophets, I know gettin’ that perfect beach body seems impossible right now. But wouldn’t it be a bummer to spend the whole summer not doin’ controlled breathin’ exercises to increase muscle mass? Limitin’ the amount of oxygen you breathe just makes sense.

See you Brosephine Bakers at the beach!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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