Oh mister Doctor man I think I’m going insane / My girl’s been creepin’ on me and my heart is filled with pain / Now I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t stop this funky beat
–“Put the Lime in the Coconut,” BAHA MEN
Does that lyric sound like you? The doctor in that song suggests putting limes in coconuts and drinking the resulting liquid, but today, with the power of science, we can do better: Put the butter in the coffee, drink them both together, and then destroy the competition.
This is called Bulletproof Coffee, and if you’re not drinking it you can kiss that pretty brain of yours goodbye. You might as well donate your brain to a dog food factory. You might as well be dead.
Does it have a cool backstory?
Bulletproof Coffee was invented by David Asprey, an entrepreneur who used to be super fat before he hacked into his own DNA with special coffee and became incredible.
Legend has it that Asprey was hiking in some bullshit third world country when he noticed that all the children were really muscular. He asked one of the natives what was going on. The native handed him a mug of viscous liquid and ordered him to drink it at gunpoint.
That liquid was Bulletproof Coffee. And the native? That was David Asprey himself.
Since then Asprey has been shot hundreds of times with dozens of name-brand firearms. Asprey credits his survival to the Bulletproof Coffee doctors administer through his feeding tube each and every morning.
Bulletproof Coffee is the only drink you should have. Bad coffee turns you into an idiot, but Bulletproof Coffee is scientifically proven to better you. You will run faster, sleep harder, and shop smarter.
Damn, daddy wanna slurp that raunchy brew. How is it made?
Knockoffs are everywhere. Remember, with true Bulletproof Coffee, bullets will become lodged in the thick, buttery film on top. If your bullets pass right through the coffee and into your thighs, you better put that stuff down before it ruins your brain!
Real Bulletproof Coffee also has The Mother, a disk-shaped life form that rests at the bottom of the mug. It will speak to you telepathically in your own voice, and it is loaded with B vitamins.
By now you must be wondering: How do I make Bulletproof Coffee? Shut up! Just follow the easy steps below and soon your belly will be full of that hot, life-giving slime.
1. Choose the right butter: Do not use ordinary supermarket butter in your coffee! Bulletproof Coffee must be made with butter from cows that were fed only Bulletproof Coffee.
2. Choose the right beans: Regular coffee beans are covered in mold and bugs. Not only does this hurt the flavor, but it literally breaks your brain apart when you drink it. No thanks!
3. Seriously, no ordinary beans: Regular coffee beans have like thirty toxins in them. These toxins make you ineffectual and annoying. Drinking real, trademarked Bulletproof Coffee is like forcing a microchip into your bloodstream. It’s that good.
Now that we got the basics out of the way, let’s make that coffee!
1. Make coffee: Use water, etc. You already know how to do this so let’s just move on.
2. Squeeze butter into the coffee: Don’t be shy! Use as much butter as your hands can hold comfortably.
3. Blend them together: If you have a blender, use it. If you don’t, not my problem.
4. Enjoy: The butter will lubricate your mouth and throat, making the coffee go down more efficiently, with less cleanup.
5. Dominate your surroundings! >:)
A few parting words? You butter believe it!
-Ordinary, bullet-susceptible coffee is so shitty. I hate it.
-Like every other living thing, butter has DNA. If your butter comes from garbage cows that live on trash, your coffee is going to suffer, and I will not feel sorry for you.
-While greasy coffee will protect you from bullets, you are still vulnerable to shoving. Be careful out there.
-Your friends might miss the old you, but you don’t need them. You’ve got a new best friend: your thick, healthy brain.
Have you invented your own kind of crazy medicine coffee? Let us know in the comments!
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!