It’s that time of year again, the time when the trees shed their leaves, the weather outside gets frightful, and the fire remains ever so delightful. A time that for some, involves working retail hell and wishing a lot of ungrateful people, “happy holidays,” and for others, involves endless peppermint mochas, visits to Williams-Sonoma, and picking out the perfect insulated dog windbreaker.

I live by a very posh shopping area in Portland, Oregon, and that means I pass by a lot of “chilly” dogs–pooches tied up by rainy puddles in 40-degree weather, outside of artisan bakeries, chocolate cafés and fancy markets while their owners are wiling away the winter hours. I can hear their desperate whining even from a distance! I can hear their pleading barks and scratches at the café doors! These are sounds that touch me to my very core—to that part next to my biological clock that lets me know every time I go on Tumblr that I want a puppy. The sound of a dog yelping is like the Bat-Signal for me. My Spider-Sense. My Puppy-Perception. My Canine-Cunning. My Hound-Hunch. It’s how I know that some dog, somewhere, is in trouble and I need to spring into action. I’m their only hope.

So that’s why I’m proposing this:

Rich people! Hire me to console and pet your dogs when you tie them up out in the cold! I’ve been doing it anyway. Wouldn’t it, then, be in the charitable holiday spirit to throw me a bone, not just your dog? Sometimes I just chill with them, try to calm them down. Sometimes I let them sniff my hand, give them a pet. Most of the time I just tell them it’s going to be all right which, then again, couldn’t we all use hearing every once in awhile?

Really, it’s for the dog who has everything! If you’re going through the trouble of buying them the perfect vegan fleece jumper, the gluten-free kibble, Doggy Bop-It and more, why not this holiday season, let your dog know you truly care by hiring me? No one wants their cold dog to be a hot mess.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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