Canada’s Ongoing Struggle with Indie Musicians
By
March 23, 2016

We at the Canadian Tourism Commission have had enough. Our media outreach program, aimed at encouraging travelers to visit the Great White North, has become an increasingly costly and nearly impossible operation to run. Millions of dollars poured into ad campaigns and search engine optimization have been undermined by the greatest enemy Canada has ever known: Indie bands.

Our nation finds itself struggling for the top search results for many of the wild animals which we had thought were synonymous with Canada. Even worse, these animals themselves are being driven to the verge of public-awareness extinction. It saddens me that our children will no longer have the desire to marvel at documentaries depicting these majestic creatures. Instead their attention will be diverted when catchy songs from the early 2000s are the first suggestions thrust at them by YouTube. Something must be done before polar bears can only be seen in museums and our children ask us, “Daddy, isn’t that an English jazz band?”

Only after exhaustive funding was our organization able to re-capture the first search result for “Grizzly Bear,” and still indie-folk holds the second slot. It is a dire state of affairs when our beloved fauna becomes less recognizable than a band from Brooklyn. Should a potential patron’s interest be piqued by one of our advertisements and they take to the Internet for some research; do they visit our fair nation and stimulate our economy? No, they make a Pandora station based off of “Two Weeks” and call it a day.

One might think this fight may have turned in our favor over a decade after this trend’s emergence, but we are severely outmatched. As if competing with American bands such as Fleet Foxes and The Mountain Goats for Internet supremacy was not enough, we are facing traitors from our own country. I cannot fathom how Caribou or Wolf Parade can sleep at night knowing the branding opportunities they are pilfering literally from their own backyards.

Accordingly, the Canadian Tourism Commission will be forming an interdepartmental coalition. Participating will be hunting organizations who are losing valuable customers to Deer Hunter, The Dear Hunter, Handsome Furs and The Antlers. Parks Canada has joined forces as well in an attempt to preserve its legacy of wildlife education. The Canadian Lyme Disease Association recently joined our ranks, as it is concerned that people looking for safety information by searching for “Deer Tick in Canada” will instead be met by a list of tour dates.

We initially sought to call ourselves “Boards of Canada,” although we soon found that to be a losing battle. We then tried going with the simpler “Animal Collective” or even “Snow Patrol,” but they proved to be equally fruitless endeavors. We have since adopted the acronym of The Fed Up Canadians Coalition, which accurately represents our frustration with the matter.

Canada cannot afford to take another hit. The Tourism commission is still reeling in the wake of Netflix’s decision to start streaming Trailer Park Boys. This situation leaves us with no other choice. With regret, we have decided to bring civil suit against every indie band in any way related to Canada or its wildlife. It seems fair that we will be seeking royalties for every time a song is played using what we consider to be Canadian intellectual property. The National organizations have a duty to protect their local natives and prevent indie bands from cornering the tourist market of Montreal. Sadly, it is only through the Format of legal recourse that we can ensure visiting Canada will still be fun.

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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