Casting the Russia Investigation Mini-Series
By
September 13, 2017

The continuing drama that is the investigation into Russia’s interference into the 2016 Presidential Election and their possible collusion with the Trump Campaign is simply too good to not be compelling television. Even if the United States is the charred, radiated hellscape that some may anticipate, or even look forward to, in the coming years, the story is simply too juicy for a post-apocalyptic HBO or FX not to turn into a ten-episode mini-series that everyone will just binge on Netflix a year after the finale.

But for the show to be good, it must have the right people behind it. Luckily for all of you uncultured swine, I alone know exactly who should be making it.

Writer: Aaron Sorkin

Sorkin is the king of writing dialogue between assholes shouting at each other while believing the world hangs in the balance of every decision they make. He created The West Wing, won an Oscar for The Social Network, and a Golden Globe for Steve Jobs. I just can’t see anyone else penning those eloquent and thoughtful monologues that President Trump is known for.

 

Director: Ryan Murphy

The man knows how to make television that people enjoy, coming off two major successes with American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J Simpson and Feud; where he showed off his knack for turning real-life events into riveting melodrama. Plus, with his experience showrunning Glee, Murphy could easily transition the series into the colorful musical we all secretly desire it to be.

 

President Donald J. Trump: John Malkovich

You might need crazy to play crazy. And if that’s the case, Malkovich will be the perfect fit; if anyone can drag him way from that lucrative fashion line he apparently now owns. I believe that Malkovich has both the dramatic and comedic acting chops to play America’s answer to What Archie Bunker was locked in a room for eight years with nothing but a TV playing Fox News and then he became President?

 

Vice President Mike Pence: Gary Sinese

Because if we’re being honest with ourselves, Lt. Dan was probably also a raging homophobe.

 

Former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon: John Goodman

No real great justification here other than the fact that Goodman is a hell of an actor. He’ll do great in the role, assuming he can put up with the all the facial makeup so he can look like he’s having a serious allergic reaction 24/7.

 

Senator John McCain: Robert Duvall

I don’t really have a great reason other than the fact that Duvall is a great actor and both are old, crusty white men who probably saw some serious shit in the 60’s. 

 

White House Senior Advisor Stephen Miller: Corey Stoll

Jeez, there are almost as many racist Steves on this list as an SEC frat house.

 

Attorney General Jeff Sessions: Martin Sheen

                                         

A Sorkin-alum, playing President Josiah Bartlet in The West Wing, Sheen has experience in a similar role, playing General Robert E. Lee in Gettysburg.

 

Former Chief of Staff Reince Prebius: Quentin Tarantino

 

Because that’s about what Reince Prebius deserves, and Tarantino proved himself as a television star during his four episodes in Alias. You remember Alias, right? Jennifer Gardner? She was a spy or something? I’ve never actually seen Alias.

 

White House Counselor Kellyanne Conway: Molly Shannon

One of the greatest comedic actresses of her generation, portraying one of the greatest unintentionally comedic performance artists of her generation.

 

Future Goldline International Spokesman Sean Hannity: Donnie Walhberg

You’re welcome.

 

Former Trump Campaign Chairman Paul Manafort: Russell Crowe

                                                      

One is an Academy Award winning alcoholic, and the other has been under investigation from the FBI since 2014 and is probably an alcoholic. Both have oddly large heads. I rest my case.

 

First Daughter Ivanka Trump: Blake Lively

Because as I see it, she’s still pretty much be playing her character in Gossip Girl; but if she were now a White House advisor for some reason.

 

Senior Advisor Jared Kushner: Reid Scott

Honestly, it was between Scott or that guy in High School who left weird poems in your locker and would peek from across the hall to see if you read them. 

 

Donald Trump Jr: Patrick Wilson

All the hair gel required for the role will unfortunately cause permanent harm to Wilson’s scalp, but I’m ready to sacrifice it because I have no doubt in his ability to pull off the role of Guy Who Shouts, “Do you know who my father is?” at least three times an episode.

 

Eric Trump: Tobey Maguire

Maguire seems to have been out of the game for a while, but he’s a good actor who bears some resemblance to Trump’s third favorite child. This one really bums be out, as I wish Tony Hale could somehow look more like him. He’d basically be doing the same thing as when Buster was neither seen nor heard in that one episode of Arrested Development.

 

First Lady Melania Trump: Kate Winslet

                                                    

Melania’s story could either be incredibly interesting, as it basically answers the question of “What happened to the girls in Taken that Liam Neeson didn’t save?” or it could be some boring bullshit. Either way, I’d like for it to be coming from an incredible talent like Winslet. Plus, she pulled off a convincing Polish accent in Steve Jobs. That’s basically where Melania’s from, right?

 

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan: Casey Affleck

 

Because the face that Affleck makes when someone asks him about his sexual assault allegations and the face that Ryan makes when someone asks him about Trump are the exact same.

 

Former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn: Dennis Quaid 

                                                                                                                          

Guys, I think Dennis Quaid needs a win.

 

Special Counsel Robert Mueller: John Lithgow

                                                                                                                                                                         

I bet you forgot about who is possibly the most important player in Game of Idiots. The closest thing this story has to a hero. And it took a bit of Googling to find the right actor.

 

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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