LISTS SECTION

The Six-Word Garage Sale
March 23, 2018

For sale: gray credenza, lightly scratched

For sale: Ally McBeal, Season 3

For sale: Keurig™ machine, freshly brewed

For sale: bear traps, they work…

For sale: WW2 Garand Rifle, loaded (more…)

Ways to Save Money
March 21, 2018

I am immigrant and, boy, am I proud of it! Growing up, I voraciously read Archie comics and Richie Rich comics and saw the pictures of Hostess Twinkies in the back and longed to eat them but my mother said, not so fast! You must work hard for everything in life. Twinky will turn to hay in mouth if you are not worthy of it. My mother just like God to me so I worked and worked at my vocabulary and my math and, you know, my dream came true and I landed in America.

First year, I lived in apartment with ten people. Slept on mattress found on sidewalk. Second year, I lived in apartment with ten people. Did only one phone call home, my mother asking me if I’m wearing my warm hat and if I’m topper in my class and when I’m getting job. (more…)

Things I’d Likely Do In the Event of a Zombie Apocalypse
March 19, 2018

Call my parents and tell them that I love them.

Relocate to Costco.

Finally have a legitimate reason to train for a marathon that doesn’t involve Instagram.

Bang my head against the wall for never learning how to shoot a gun. Feel incapable for several days.

Think of ways on how being the former captain of my high school dance team might come in handy. Feel incapable for several more days. (more…)

Styling Advice for Every Hair Type Written by Demons
March 16, 2018

Fire hair

If you have literal flames spurting from your head, keep those tresses short. Not only will it save you money on combustible materials, but men also love the “probably won’t light me on fire” look!

Thick, frizzy hair

For long smooth locks, comb your hair every night with a salve made of essential lavender oil and organic fair-trade koala gall while repeating the incantation “unus ad decorem, duas ad decorem…” It works best if your comb was enchanted by a warlock. (An organic warlock only, please.) (more…)

Dating With A Dog Allergy
March 13, 2018

DATING IS HARD!!! AM I RIGHT?  Okay, now that we are on the same page, dating really is hard. It’s hard to let people stare at your deepest feelings and have them say, “no thanks.” That’s true for everybody, but I am facing something far worse than being emotionally stunted due to an absent father, or facial deformities due to a factory accident, or even a micropenis; for I am allergic to dogs.

PAUSE FOR GASPS.

Okay, since having problems with dogs is so inherently mind-boggling, I have put my thoughts into the most easily digestible form:  here are the top 5 reasons being allergic to dogs makes dating hard: (more…)

THE SIX BEST COMEDY SHOWS IN NEW YORK AS RANKED BY ME, A NEW YORK COMEDIAN
March 12, 2018

There’s so much comedy in New York City that it’s easy to get overwhelmed with options. Luckily, I’m a real New York comedian who’s attended nearly every show in the concrete jungle. I’ve been searching all the way from Park Slope to just below Midtown for the best comedy in town. Whether you’re from out-of-town or just trying to have a fun night out, let me suggest these six shows. Heck, if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll even find yourself catching one of my very own trademark comedy sets!

6. THE LEGENDARY ONE THAT WON’T BOOK ME

Located at the coolest bar in the East Village – which is a bit of an oxymoron, for a Williamsburg hipster like me – this show has been running since Koch was mayor. It’s an institution of the New York comedy scene and frequently sees drop-in performances from A-listers including Seinfeld, Madonna (who frequently runs her incredibly loose 30) and Fatty Arbuckle’s ghost. It’s undeniably one of the best rooms in the city and perpetually packed. Seriously, ask any comedy fan and they’ll tell you You’ll Never Do This Show can’t be missed. That being said, I’ve never even been considered to perform on this show, so I must begrudgingly report that it’s only the sixth best in New York City and rapidly on the decline.

~You’ll Never Do This Show Every Saturday. 8:30pm at Gilmore’s Lounge~ (more…)

Euphemisms For ‘I Live With My Parents’
March 5, 2018

I’m between apartments.

I’m a stay-at-home daughter.

This is temporary.

I’m taking care of my mom’s plants.

I’m economizing for space.

I won’t be here long. (more…)

The New Teacher’s Checklist: 2018 & Beyond
February 28, 2018

1. Complete Educator Preparation Program

2. Pass certification exam

3. Complete 4-week unpaid training on how to disassemble, clean, and rebuild Glock 17

4. Submit state application

5. Take seminar on how to accurately predict tornadoes and construct underground bunker in under 5 minutes (more…)

5 Times Thoughts and Prayers Totally Definitely Worked, Like For Sure
February 26, 2018

1) 2.705 million Chicagoans, from Chicago, prayed for a World Series win in 2016. Finally worked after 108 continuous years of prayer.

2) Underdog, a Beagle from Maine, thought super hard about his owner coming back from that black hole he disappears into every morning and he did! It works every single day.

3) Neo, from the Matrix, thought real hard and successfully bent a spoon. (more…)

7 Successful Habits From Ranger, A Corporate Puppy Newly Hired At Christmas
February 23, 2018

I can’t overemphasize the importance of getting an early start every day. As leader of this new family, I have to set a good example. Things were pretty lax when I came on board, but little by little they’re learning how to do things the right way—the Ranger Way!

4:30am           Up and at ‘em. Time to for an early workout! Run three circles around the woman’s side of the bed and pee on the rug.

4:40am           Head to the kitchen for breakfast. Knock over my food and water then return to the woman’s side of the bed whimpering that I’m starving.

4:50am           Find the cat’s litter box and go for a morning roll. It’s best for an important puppy like me to look and smell fresh.

5:10am           Organize toys according to rope length or bone texture. Make sure squeaky chipmunk toys and squeaky Mr. Squirrel are ready for action. (more…)

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