LISTS SECTION

Six Theories on the Kennedy Assassination (Ranked by The Likeability of People Who Believe Them)
February 22, 2018

If you’re anything like me, you generally judge people solely on who they think was responsible for the assassination of President John F. Kennedy in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963. Instead of choosing who you associate yourself with based on their “personality” or other arbitrary measurements, this is far simpler and more efficient. The JFK assassination is one of few topics in the American zeitgeist of which there are dozens of opinions one could have. And people conveniently fall in to specific categories based on their belief.

6. The Warren Commission’s Findings

The Theory:

Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in killing the President, shooting him from the fifth floor of the Texas Schoolbook Depository. As reported in the findings of the Warren Commission. (more…)

My Favorite British Adaptations of American TV
February 20, 2018

Community = A Really Wonky Uni

Entourage = A Buncha Bruvs

Cheers = Shite Pub, Innit?

Veep = Not The Prime Minister, The Other One

Cash Cab = Q’s In The Pound Carriage (more…)

Possible Reasons Your Rush Hour Train Has Been Standing For 15 Minutes
February 9, 2018

1. The rookie conductor got stuck with the one stick shift in the entire fleet.

2. There’s a family of wild deer on the tracks and the train is waiting for it to cross.

3. It took a wrong turn and Google Maps is taking forever to recalculate.

4. Too many magnets on board.

5. Not enough magnets on board.

6. Someone neglected to switch their phone to subway mode. (more…)

11 GIFs That Prove “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” is the Answer – Best of the Higgs Weldon
January 30, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on January 26, 2015.

Thanks to Johnnie Jungleguts for helpful notes and feedback. Thanks to Paige Weldon for creating the beautiful GIFs. Spoilers herein.

1) EDDIE VALIANT IS A BAD ASS MF’ER

rogerrabbit1_egg

You really don’t want to fuck with Eddie Valiant. He will stick an egg in your mouth if you try and mess with him. He’s got a dead brother and an alcohol problem and he doesn’t want to hear your shit. (more…)

Tombstone Goofs – Best of the Higgs Weldon
January 26, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on October 15, 2014.

Asked-To-Be-Cremated-02 (more…)

Unpopular Creatures from Greek Mythology – Best of the Higgs Weldon
January 22, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on September 1, 2014.

Chimera 2

Chimera 2

With a goat’s body, a ram’s head, and the tail of a sheep this crazy concoction of a monster will keep even the most avid Greek mythology fans in awe!

This creature was believed to be created by the Nymph Nephele, the same Nymph who created the Golden Ram. Although most people believe this creature is mythological, next time you’re close to a ram, take a closer look. Maybe you’ll find that its tail is oddly similar to a sheep’s tail! (more…)

Jokes For Children (Not Really) Part 1 – Best of the Higgs Weldon
January 17, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on April 19, 2016.

Writing jokes is always hard. Writing jokes for children is even harder! I have written for SEVERAL Scholastic joke books and I ALWAYS get the same responses. “Vince, we love these jokes, but come on, we’re not babies anymore! Give us some jokes about contemporary issues! Give us some dark jokes! Hit us with realness! Challenge our thinking. Art should leave you different from when it found you!” I’m never one to disappoint an audience, so I wrote some pretty serious jokes for children. And a few fun ones.

I love kid jokes. Children definitely think way differently than adults do. Clearly these jokes are not for children. Well, some are. It’s up to you to decide which to retell. I took some classics, revisited them, and gave them a new punchline for the children of today. Some of these are completely new! With more realistic punchlines. Here they are: (more…)

Some Lesser-Known In-N-Out Secret Menu Items – Best of the Higgs Weldon
January 15, 2018

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5 Restroom Attendants Who Kept Their Cool While Handing Paper Towels To B-List Celebrities – Best of the Higgs Weldon
January 11, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on February 27, 2017.

B-list celebrities: They’re just like us. They eat at steakhouses, use the bathroom, and, of course, have paper towels handed to them by restroom attendants. Still, it’s easy to find yourself overwhelmed when a recognizable person from film or television appears. That’s why we have to congratulate these restroom attendants who kept their cool while handing paper towels to B-list celebrities.

1. Steve Riggins

Young man holding towels in bathroom, portrait

What appeared to be a normal evening in the Ft. Lauderdale-area Morton’s Steakhouse restroom became anything but when B-list comedian Pauly Shore walked out of the stall and into Steve Riggins’ life. (more…)

Little Known Facts About Alaska: DISPATCHES FROM THE FROZEN NORTH! – Best of the Higgs Weldon
January 9, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on August 5, 2013.

This edition of LKFAA comes DIRECTLY FROM WITHIN THE BORDERS OF THE LAST FRONTIER!

-Hi there! Usually for this section I like to make up jokey facts about my home state, but this month I’m actually staying at my childhood home and I would like to talk a little bit about the real BEARS OH GOD BEARS EVERYWHERE THEY ARE COMING THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND THE WINDOWS

-Ha ha whoops! Sorry about that, I had to leave the house and now I’m writing from a small fishing boat just off the coast of Baranof Island. Did you know that Sitka, my home town, used to be the Russian Capital of Alaska and was actually the center of a massive fur trading empire that spanned JESUS CHRIST THE BEARS ARE RIDING KILLER WHALES PLEASE SEND HELP I THINK THEY ARE USING GUNS I AM NOT SURE HOW THAT ACTUALLY WORKS I THINK THEY ARE USING THEIR CLAWS TO PULL THE TRIGGERS (more…)

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