MISCELLANEOUS SECTION

After 50 Years of Marriage I Can Confidently Say: No Single Person Could Ever Make Me More Happy Than Stove-Top Macaroni and Cheese
March 22, 2018

I would like to thank everyone for being here today to celebrate the 50th anniversary of a most special day. My wife Amelia and I have spent the best years of our lives together. We’ve seen sunsets in Paris, sunrises in Hawaii, and the moon’s glow reflecting off the Mediterranean Sea. And after 50 years of marriage I can say with one hundred percent certainty; no single person could ever make me more happy than stovetop macaroni and cheese.

Don’t get me wrong – there are very few feelings greater than simply holding Amelia’s hand. There are fewer feelings greater than waking up alongside the smiling face that I first fell for all those many, many years ago. In fact, it just so happens that only superior feeling is standing in your kitchen and breathing in a full on face-blast of steam from a bowl of bright yellow macaroni and cheese. (more…)

The Climate is Changing, So is Snuggie’s Sales Strategy
March 14, 2018

From: Chief Sales Officer
Sent: October 23, 2017 3:12 AM
To: Sales Team
Subject: Snuggies Sales Strategy

Okay Listen Up,

I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, this has been rough quarter for Snuggies. Now as you should expect, I’ve been researching ways to get ourselves out of this tailspin and found that Global Warming is getting worse…like much worse…and I. Couldn’t. Be. Happier. Due to changes in theenvironment we have the glorious opportunity to roll out some new products and change our sales strategy which will bring this company to the apex of the blankets with sleeves market (so long as you do your damn jobs). Effective immediately this is our new sales strategy at Snuggies. (more…)

I Might Have Shot And Mutilated A Bald Eagle, But At Least I Didn’t Vote For Trump
March 8, 2018

It has not been easy being ole Allen Thacker lately, let me tell you. In addition to being placed on house arrest, ordered to complete 100 hours of community service, and required to pay $500 in fines, my very patriotism has been dragged through the stinking mud. And that, friends, is where I draw the line. Because even though I shot down a bald eagle and gruesomely mutilated its corpse, at least I didn’t vote for Donald J. Trump for president.

You can question my morals, my dignity, or my rationale for choosing to slaughter a living, breathing symbol of our country’s monumental history. However, you best think twice before questioning my American pride because on November 8th, 2016, I entered a voting booth and checked the box next to Hillary Rodham Clinton’s name. And that, unlike blasting a federally protected bird of prey right out of the sky, I would do again in a heartbeat. (more…)

I Refuse to Use AirBnB Until I Am Able to Filter by Quantity of Paranormal Entities
March 2, 2018
 
I’ve had it up to here with AirBnB owners. 
 
I have not used an AirBnb in which there hasn’t been an unreasonable number of ghosts.
 
It is expected that most homes will have at least some kind of paranormal population. That is a given, and I have come to accept this.
 
I just had no idea how popular AirBnB was with paranormal entities. 
 
The paranormal populations I have encountered are much more diverse than is reasonable, with everything from your everyday run-of-the-mill poltergeists, to lemurs, ectoplasms and incubuses, all inhabiting homes AirBnB owners are calling “Safe, and within walking distance to the vibe.”  (more…)
I’ve Spent Years Honing My Craft As A Crisis Actor And You’re A Moron If You Think A Bunch Of Children Can Do What I Do
February 27, 2018

You may not realize it but you’ve seen me. I’ve been shot, stabbed, hit by a car, and heck, one time I was even blown up while I ate a churro. I’m a crisis actor and I take my work seriously. I know that people look down on what I do. But this is my job and I’m good at it. Or at least I like to think I am. I’m not a member of the “deep state,” and if you check my bank account you’ll see that I hardly belong to the 1%. I’m just a normal guy who pretends to be a victim of mass shootings in order for the government to strip away the rights of normal citizens.

As an in demand crisis actor who’s appeared in a some of the most viral “news” footage of the last few years, it’s insulting to hear that people believe the victims of the Parkland, Florida mass shooting are actors, let alone thespians who are being paid for their work. Trust me, if these kids were acting you would feel it. The sad truth of the matter is, the students in Parkland just weren’t meant for the stage. (more…)

Increasingly Desperate Craigslist Ads For Our Struggling Ghostbusting Service
February 21, 2018

12.03.

Is there something strange in your domestic space and/or object of personal value? Well, you know who to Whatsapp message: the Smithee Brothers, licensed ghostbusting professionals. Trust in our years of experience in the paranormal and the hunting of such, and let us rid you of that ghostly invader! Arrange for us to do a risk-free examination (travel expenses not incl.) of your situation (full discretion guaranteed), so that we can properly assess the type of specter we’d be dealing with. Pricing categories range from “nuisance from the beyond” at $499 to “full-blown parademon nightmare” at a very reasonably priced $3,499.

Full disclosure: Often enough, we’ll find that personal stress and/or living in an old house which has been labelled haunted by the local children and/or sightseeing tour guides will add to the overall rate of imagined ghostliness. But hey, at least you’ll have proof that it’s all in your head – so get your peace of mind today! (more…)

Hey There, I Noticed You Didn’t Invite Me To Your Wedding
February 19, 2018

What’s up guys? I know, it’s been a minute! How have you been? Cool, cool. Yeah, congratulations! I saw it on Facebook, and I’m just waiting for my invitation. I’d love to be a part of the whole thing, and just be able to give you guys my best wishes!

I assume it must be hard to whittle down your list of friends and loved ones to 100 people. I wouldn’t know, I don’t know that many people. But you can’t slip one “save the date” to lil’ ol’ me? I’ll buy a nice suit and everything. Here, I’ve saved a picture of one that I’ve had my eye on for a while. It’s grey.

I don’t even drink, you know. Oh, you’re having a cash bar so that doesn’t matter? Sounds like a pretty lame wedding if you ask me. I mean, I won’t cause a ruckus at all. Like I’ll just sit there and make polite table conversation and maybe dance a little bit, especially if they play “Ignition (Remix)”. I love that song. (more…)

I Used The Google Arts And Culture Selfie Feature And Now I’m A Mindless Husk
February 16, 2018
 
I thought of myself as a good person. I volunteered weekly, bought mostly organic, and turned off my ad blocker when websites asked me. Sure, every now and again I’d use incognito browsing to bypass the twenty article limit for the Washington Post, but I wasn’t about to let democracy die in darkness.
 
So, I expected that the Google Arts and Culture face match feature would simply be an innocent distraction from our category 5 political shitstorm, and perhaps a chance for a flattering, yet ironic insta. Perhaps a painting that highlights my uniquely attractive cheeks, but with a non-serious, self-effacing caption.  I could have never imagined how the app would forever upend me.
 
My first match was 63% with Skull of a Skeleton with Burning Cigarette by Van Gogh. I won’t lie to you: the idea that of all the paintings in history, I most resembled a skinless abomination inhaling a cancer stick was mildly disconcerting to me and I let out a small, anguished yelp. I haven’t touched a cigarette in weeks and the very implication that I would smoke again, even as an ostensibly undead nicotine-addicted skeleton, seemed completely off-base. Additionally, I have beautiful, jolly cheeks and the skull most certainly did not reflect their bounce and vivacity.
 
I swiped left and to my horror, my eyes were greeted with an even filthier insult. A 51% match with René Magritte’s The Son of Man. For the unfamiliar, the painting depicts Magritte in a drab suit wearing a bowler hat with a massive green apple obscuring most of his face. I cast my phone at the floor in utter disgust. (more…)
An Alert About Giving Birth in September From Plan Your Parenthood By the Month
February 15, 2018

“Right now in a number of states the laws allow a baby to be born from his or her mother’s womb in the 9th month. It is wrong. It has to change.” –Donald Trump

It is difficult for mothers of September babies. We understand that here at Plan Your Parenthood. There is enormous judgment levied upon you. Women give you the side-eye when you wear your “I’m Due in September” graphic maternity tee. The big red 9 marked on your chart lets everyone at the OB-Gyn know you are a lawbreaker. You are going against the laws in most states that allow only for July or October births. When you first get the word you are due in September, you cringe and count backwards to make sure you have your conception dates right. You ask yourself if you really did conceive during the December blizzard when you were bored and stuck in the house for a week? (more…)

Dear Sweet Greens
February 14, 2018

Dear Sweet Greens, 

Allow me to paint you a picture, oil on canvas if you will. 

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m jonesing for your legendary Kale Caesar Salad. ‘Make lunch at home, you stupid bitch,’ I think to myself. But life is short and I only have half an avocado so I make the decision that shocked a nation (unsure which one at this time)… I decide to get the salad. 

I shower, throw on some black, linen slacks and a vintage black t-shirt. I complete the ensemble with a pair of cherished, black, open toe sandals. What winter? Lol. 

The nearest Sweet Greens is about a seven minute drive, and although the drive is brisk, the parking is like a picnic without any brie cheese… not a picnic I’d like to attend.  (more…)

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