I would like to thank everyone for being here today to celebrate the 50th anniversary of a most special day. My wife Amelia and I have spent the best years of our lives together. We’ve seen sunsets in Paris, sunrises in Hawaii, and the moon’s glow reflecting off the Mediterranean Sea. And after 50 years of marriage I can say with one hundred percent certainty; no single person could ever make me more happy than stovetop macaroni and cheese.
Don’t get me wrong – there are very few feelings greater than simply holding Amelia’s hand. There are fewer feelings greater than waking up alongside the smiling face that I first fell for all those many, many years ago. In fact, it just so happens that only superior feeling is standing in your kitchen and breathing in a full on face-blast of steam from a bowl of bright yellow macaroni and cheese. (more…)The Climate is Changing, So is Snuggie’s Sales Strategy
From: Chief Sales Officer
Sent: October 23, 2017 3:12 AM
To: Sales Team
Subject: Snuggies Sales Strategy
Okay Listen Up,
I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, this has been rough quarter for Snuggies. Now as you should expect, I’ve been researching ways to get ourselves out of this tailspin and found that Global Warming is getting worse…like much worse…and I. Couldn’t. Be. Happier. Due to changes in theenvironment we have the glorious opportunity to roll out some new products and change our sales strategy which will bring this company to the apex of the blankets with sleeves market (so long as you do your damn jobs). Effective immediately this is our new sales strategy at Snuggies. (more…)I Might Have Shot And Mutilated A Bald Eagle, But At Least I Didn’t Vote For Trump
It has not been easy being ole Allen Thacker lately, let me tell you. In addition to being placed on house arrest, ordered to complete 100 hours of community service, and required to pay $500 in fines, my very patriotism has been dragged through the stinking mud. And that, friends, is where I draw the line. Because even though I shot down a bald eagle and gruesomely mutilated its corpse, at least I didn’t vote for Donald J. Trump for president.
You can question my morals, my dignity, or my rationale for choosing to slaughter a living, breathing symbol of our country’s monumental history. However, you best think twice before questioning my American pride because on November 8th, 2016, I entered a voting booth and checked the box next to Hillary Rodham Clinton’s name. And that, unlike blasting a federally protected bird of prey right out of the sky, I would do again in a heartbeat. (more…)I Refuse to Use AirBnB Until I Am Able to Filter by Quantity of Paranormal Entities
You may not realize it but you’ve seen me. I’ve been shot, stabbed, hit by a car, and heck, one time I was even blown up while I ate a churro. I’m a crisis actor and I take my work seriously. I know that people look down on what I do. But this is my job and I’m good at it. Or at least I like to think I am. I’m not a member of the “deep state,” and if you check my bank account you’ll see that I hardly belong to the 1%. I’m just a normal guy who pretends to be a victim of mass shootings in order for the government to strip away the rights of normal citizens.
As an in demand crisis actor who’s appeared in a some of the most viral “news” footage of the last few years, it’s insulting to hear that people believe the victims of the Parkland, Florida mass shooting are actors, let alone thespians who are being paid for their work. Trust me, if these kids were acting you would feel it. The sad truth of the matter is, the students in Parkland just weren’t meant for the stage. (more…)Increasingly Desperate Craigslist Ads For Our Struggling Ghostbusting Service
Is there something strange in your domestic space and/or object of personal value? Well, you know who to Whatsapp message: the Smithee Brothers, licensed ghostbusting professionals. Trust in our years of experience in the paranormal and the hunting of such, and let us rid you of that ghostly invader! Arrange for us to do a risk-free examination (travel expenses not incl.) of your situation (full discretion guaranteed), so that we can properly assess the type of specter we’d be dealing with. Pricing categories range from “nuisance from the beyond” at $499 to “full-blown parademon nightmare” at a very reasonably priced $3,499.
Full disclosure: Often enough, we’ll find that personal stress and/or living in an old house which has been labelled haunted by the local children and/or sightseeing tour guides will add to the overall rate of imagined ghostliness. But hey, at least you’ll have proof that it’s all in your head – so get your peace of mind today! (more…)
What’s up guys? I know, it’s been a minute! How have you been? Cool, cool. Yeah, congratulations! I saw it on Facebook, and I’m just waiting for my invitation. I’d love to be a part of the whole thing, and just be able to give you guys my best wishes!
I assume it must be hard to whittle down your list of friends and loved ones to 100 people. I wouldn’t know, I don’t know that many people. But you can’t slip one “save the date” to lil’ ol’ me? I’ll buy a nice suit and everything. Here, I’ve saved a picture of one that I’ve had my eye on for a while. It’s grey.
I don’t even drink, you know. Oh, you’re having a cash bar so that doesn’t matter? Sounds like a pretty lame wedding if you ask me. I mean, I won’t cause a ruckus at all. Like I’ll just sit there and make polite table conversation and maybe dance a little bit, especially if they play “Ignition (Remix)”. I love that song. (more…)I Used The Google Arts And Culture Selfie Feature And Now I’m A Mindless Husk
“Right now in a number of states the laws allow a baby to be born from his or her mother’s womb in the 9th month. It is wrong. It has to change.” –Donald Trump
It is difficult for mothers of September babies. We understand that here at Plan Your Parenthood. There is enormous judgment levied upon you. Women give you the side-eye when you wear your “I’m Due in September” graphic maternity tee. The big red 9 marked on your chart lets everyone at the OB-Gyn know you are a lawbreaker. You are going against the laws in most states that allow only for July or October births. When you first get the word you are due in September, you cringe and count backwards to make sure you have your conception dates right. You ask yourself if you really did conceive during the December blizzard when you were bored and stuck in the house for a week? (more…)Dear Sweet Greens
Dear Sweet Greens,
Allow me to paint you a picture, oil on canvas if you will.
It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m jonesing for your legendary Kale Caesar Salad. ‘Make lunch at home, you stupid bitch,’ I think to myself. But life is short and I only have half an avocado so I make the decision that shocked a nation (unsure which one at this time)… I decide to get the salad.
I shower, throw on some black, linen slacks and a vintage black t-shirt. I complete the ensemble with a pair of cherished, black, open toe sandals. What winter? Lol.
The nearest Sweet Greens is about a seven minute drive, and although the drive is brisk, the parking is like a picnic without any brie cheese… not a picnic I’d like to attend. (more…)