MISCELLANEOUS SECTION

We Toured the Americana at Brand Luxury Apartments
February 12, 2018

Anyone even casually familiar with the Americana at Brand–the best outdoor shopping mall in Glendale and probably the world–has noticed the apartments lining its perimeter, perched above the stores. For superfans such as ourselves, they’ve been a constant source of fascination and intrigue. What are they like inside? Are the mall and the apartments affiliated? If you live there, do you hear the sweet sultry tones of Michael Bublé through your closed windows all day and night? Who has $5,000 to spend on rent every month and chooses to live above a mall? While using the mall’s free wifi to work on stuff (like this tell-all article) at the Barnes & Noble patio, we’d talked about the apartments a lot, how much we wished we could explore them. One week in mid-January, Paige had the idea, “We could see if they offer tours.” (more…)

Too Dumb To Vote
February 8, 2018

With midterm elections coming up I’ve been thinking: I’m not sold on democracy. I’m not saying dictatorship is a better option, but democracy may have run its course. America has gone from casual partier to the country that the rest of the UN murmurs about, saying, “did you hear what they did the last election?” I mean look at what we’ve done to ourselves. We’re like the people on HGTV shows who do their own renovations, and then three-quarters of the way through realize they messed up big time and hope they are white, middle class, and Canadian enough that HGTV will swoop in and come to the rescue like Superman. But the thing about this election is that we can’t all rely on Canada to save us. There are too many of us, and the immigration center will be saying sorry from now until the end times. Since everyone’s favorite renegade Oompa Loompa got elected, this may happen sooner rather than later. Might I add that if you watch Charlie and The Chocolate Factory really closely you can see Donald Trump trying to build a wall around the chocolate, but I digress. (more…)

The “About” Section of an Amateur Actor’s New Website
February 7, 2018
 
Jason B. Buddy was born on January 6th, 1994. When the doctor pulled him out of the womb, an acting bug also crawled out of the womb and bit Jason. 
 
The bug then scurried out the window and up a drain pipe. After that moment Jason was meant to be an actor.
 
He couldn’t stop acting. Never. At dinner he would do impressions that genuinely cracked up his family. 
 
At school he took any chance to perform whether it be joining theatre club OR doing dramatic monologues at recess in hopes of catching the attention of an agent.
 
The Bafter Daily once described him as a, “Shapeshifter with no fear.”
 
The New York Times once described him as, “Agile and Completely Stone Faced.” (more…)
Why I Haven’t Written an Article in a Year (An Apology to All My Loyal Fan)
February 6, 2018

To the four people that liked my recipe for Monster Energy pie & the five people that liked my recipe for 5 Hour Energy Chicken (I realize there might be some overlap here):

If you have any affection left in your heart (or if your heart hasn’t exploded from too many energy drinks), read on. I apologize for the 12 month’s worth of dust I allowed to gather on my keyboard (in case you were wondering, I have a 2011 Macbook Pro). Below is a series of interconnected factors that you deserve to know.

FACTOR 1: Everyone who knows Higgs Weldon editor and CEO Paige Weldon knows that she loves Monster Energy drink.

Observant readers may notice that she’s holding a Red Bull in this photo. Close enough. (more…)

My Letter to the CEO of Souplantation/Sweet Tomatoes, And His Response
February 5, 2018

“2018 is going to be my year,” I told myself. Then I received a mass email from the CEO of Souplanation/Sweet Tomatoes. Turns out, I was right. 


While this email was absolutely sent to every member of Club Veg, I knew in my heart that it was really meant for me. So I did what I had to do. I wrote him back. Below is my letter to Souplantation CEO John Haywood, sent on January 12, 2018.
 
Also below? His response, received January 30, 2018.
(more…)
Monster Pie – Best of the Higgs Weldon
February 2, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on November 22, 2016.

“Pie is the best part of Thanksgiving,” you’re probably thinking, “but by the time it’s served I’m so tired from all that turkey I can barely keep my dang eyes open!”

Enter the ultimate solution: a Thanksgiving dessert that can also wake you the fuck up.

1 (more…)

This Amazing New Antidepressant is Changing People’s Lives – Best of the Higgs Weldon
February 1, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This video was originally published on December 8, 2014 as part of our brief but beautiful run of Higgs Weldon sketches.

(more…)

Get Protected with LYFE LOCK® – Best of the Higgs Weldon
January 31, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on October 22, 2015.

(more…)

I Held Soil In My Hands For Eight Straight Weeks, Here’s What Happened – Best of the Higgs Weldon
January 29, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on February 10, 2016.

Eight weeks ago I scooped some soil into the palms of my hands while I was on a hike. I decided to keep holding the soil for eight weeks.

Those eight weeks were some of the hardest of my life. I had to learn to sleep standing up while resting my arms on a short marble pillar in hopes of not spilling my soil.

My girlfriend had to feed me and I was not able to use my cell phone at all. Sorry for not texting back, Mom, haha.

Anyway, enough exposition. Here’s what happened:

WEEK 1

I found some good soil. Scooped it up. (more…)

Butter Your Coffee, Change Your Life – Best of the Higgs Weldon
January 25, 2018

As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on February 19, 2015.

Oh mister Doctor man I think I’m going insane / My girl’s been creepin’ on me and my heart is filled with pain / Now I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t stop this funky beat
–“Put the Lime in the Coconut,” BAHA MEN

Does that lyric sound like you? The doctor in that song suggests putting limes in coconuts and drinking the resulting liquid, but today, with the power of science, we can do better: Put the butter in the coffee, drink them both together, and then destroy the competition.

This is called Bulletproof Coffee, and if you’re not drinking it you can kiss that pretty brain of yours goodbye. You might as well donate your brain to a dog food factory. You might as well be dead. (more…)

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