The closest I’ve come to going on a diet is not finishing the entire pizza.
I’ve got more malapropisms than you can shake a stork at.
A Peppermint Mocha is the coffee shop equivalent to drinking orange juice right after you’ve brushed your teeth.
I would’ve enlisted if I knew there’d be a chance to star in a Clint Eastwood movie!!!
I want to get a dog. Not because I’m a dog person, but to justify my WeatherTech floor liner purchase.
Bloody nose as a kid: “Oh no! poor kid.”
Bloody nose as an adult: “Is there anything you need to tell us? Are you doing drugs?”
“WHAT’S YOUR ANGLE?” – me when a man walks by minding his own business
Co-Worker: *Blasting Taylor Swift’s song 22 and singing out loud*
Me: You’re 40.
I started jogging. Not to get in shape, but because I’ve always wanted to stretch against a street sign.
You can tell how expensive a store is by how far apart they place the items