ONE LINERS SECTION

The closest I’ve come to going on a diet is not finishing the entire pizza.

Leigh Camp

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I’ve got more malapropisms than you can shake a stork at.

Daniel DiPrinzio
(@MrLarrySellers)

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A Peppermint Mocha is the coffee shop equivalent to drinking orange juice right after you’ve brushed your teeth.

Kathleen DeMarle
(@kdemarle)

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I would’ve enlisted if I knew there’d be a chance to star in a Clint Eastwood movie!!!

Harris Mayersohn
(@harrismayer)

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I want to get a dog. Not because I’m a dog person, but to justify my WeatherTech floor liner purchase.

Daniel DiPrinzio
(@MrLarrySellers)

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Bloody nose as a kid: “Oh no! poor kid.”
Bloody nose as an adult: “Is there anything you need to tell us? Are you doing drugs?”

Kathleen DeMarle
(@kdemarle)

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“WHAT’S YOUR ANGLE?” – me when a man walks by minding his own business

Allegra Ringo
(@allegraringo)

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Co-Worker: *Blasting Taylor Swift’s song 22 and singing out loud*
Me: You’re 40.

Kathleen DeMarle
(@kdemarle)

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I started jogging. Not to get in shape, but because I’ve always wanted to stretch against a street sign.

Daniel DiPrinzio
(@MrLarrySellers)

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You can tell how expensive a store is by how far apart they place the items

Paige Weldon
(@paigeweldon)

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