1. She says, “I’m not like other girls.”

This girl is either a crazy self-loathing bitch or a bitchy self-loathing craze.

2. She says, “I’m just your typical girl.”

Who wants to be like other people? Who’s proud of that??? Run!

3. She has more than two pens.

One pen? Cool. Two? Smarty-pants in the house! But more than two pens? Ummm, clinger much???

4. She says she hates drama.

Yeah right! She loves drama so much she wants to marry it. And if she doesn’t? Then you better really watch out because she wants to marry you! Even worse!

5. She talks shit about other women.

All women like each other. If a girl criticizes another girl, sound the alarm, because we’ve got a five-star bitch alert on our hands.

6. Other women talk shit about her.

Huge warning sign that you are now entering Crazytown, population BITCH.

7. Anyone talks shit about her.

Talk about a red flag! I was seeing this girl Janine and she seemed nice and cool and everything. But then she told me that her coworker doesn’t like her because they were up for the same promotion and she got it. Guess who didn’t get promoted to being my girlfriend? Crazy Janine!

8. She has an ex-boyfriend.

Nuff. SAID.

9. She loves sex.

Nice girls aren’t into fucking, so you gotta choose one or the other. We just can’t win. If a girl really likes having sex, you better really like dealing with a lot of crazy bullshit because she is full-scale bananas.

10. She likes horses.

Horses?! Are you KIDDING ME?

11. She sets fires.

This one should be obvious, but a lot of guys overlook it. If a girl starts a fire in your house, even on the stove, she is out of her mind. Girls who try to cook for you are clingy and probably unstable. What else will they be setting on fire in a few months? Oh, and if she has a wood-burning stove? RUN

12. She has kids.

Talk about an STD!

13. She has an STD

Yikes, give me the kids!

14. She does not want children


15. She has all these feelings and is all emotionally open about them and it makes you start to think, “Maybe I could be vulnerable too, and that would be okay, and I could be known and possibly even loved.”



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!