Grab a brew, sit down. Don’t worry about the hellfire, it’s been like that for weeks. Don’t touch it though! What are you thinking? It’s freakin’ hellfire.
Look, I’ve been wanting to talk to you for awhile now. You seem really worried, staying in your room a lot, not saying much at chapter. I even see that you’ve been wearing your hat forwards. I need to tell you, chill dude, it’s just the end of the world.
I get how that sounds. The entire world, ending? But just like when Entourage was cancelled, sometimes bad things happen. We’re strong men, and we’re going to enjoy this finale with as much gusto as we did Entourage’s and not flip the foosball table over when they leave us with a cliffhanger. And then later the movie came out and everyone in the house got super plastered and went out to see it, remember that? Jimmy yacked into his popcorn. Yeah, that was great.
People have been going crazy for the past few months and I can see that it’s getting to you. You’ve even spent weekends helping fortify the city, which must be exhausting. Me, I just sat back on this fold-out chair on the roof and watched. And while I was sitting, and while I was watching, no one bothered me. I didn’t do a single thing to stop the destruction of humankind, and because of that I figured out that the girls next door never lower their blinds.
See, everyone is so worked up, and that’s the real issue. “There are sinkholes everywhere, flocks of ravens keep appearing in my backyard, my mom keeps calling me in tears.” Suck it up! I won’t be whining when the Earth makes her final spin, I’ll be on this roof, in this chair with a smile on my face and a beer in each hand. Yeah, people are dying, but at least I’m having fun.
Don’t give me that face man, it makes you look like you have feelings.
I’ve got to be honest, your behavior yesterday kind of pissed me off. You were so anxious that Fat Evan and Derks beat us in beer pong. Why are you letting something like the fall of civilization get in the way of your pong dominance? Seriously dude, I read the news, I know what’s going on, but I haven’t let that stop me from hitting every cup.
Take last weekend. All the brothers drank their own fifth and then built this insane cardboard fort. You completely missed it because you were too busy mourning with your family! What a lame excuse. The earthquake kind of ruined the fort, but you definitely should have been there.
Another thing: girls don’t fuck guys with feelings and you’re running out of time to finally get laid. Ha ha, that’s right we all know! You’re such a queer. But seriously, if you want to get some pussy you’ve got to cut out that depression BS and ignore the fact that every single human is about to die.
What I’m really trying to say is, I’m here for your bro. In our remaining days, if there’s anything you need from me that doesn’t involve empathizing or putting up any kind of resistance, I’ll be happy to help. This is the chill zone, and as long as you’re chill, you’re always welcome.
And won’t this roof be a primo-spot to watch the apocalypse?
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!