Attention all art nerds and business majors filling a prereq, Schwa is now open for business every second Tuesday of the month between 1 and 1:21 a.m., as well as Easter. The brainchild of erotic, pre-modern, minimalist Wisconsin-Arabian artist Joshie Jake, Schwa is dedicated to showcasing art made by visual pioneers, both up-and-comers and those faded stars now just waiting to die. Take a look at our scheduled showcases below and come out to be inspired, support culture, and write that 3 page essay on how one of our artist’s work is evocative of Pollock’s use of shapes!

June 9th
Tulip Aston is a blind woodcarver who has spent her career trying to whittle the most perfect version of John Candy circa Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. For her new showing, she’s requested that each patron be blindfolded and engage in a game of Marco Polo with Aston, who will stand behind her new sculpt. The first patron to reach Aston will receive a discount on the piece, which Aston will destroy before their very eyes after their VISA payment has cleared. The shavings will be buried on whatever full moon the patron believes will help yield a good harvest for that spring.

July 14th
Street artist Werewolf PRince has become world renowned for his spray painted depictions of religious deities asking for change for a dollar at a tapas restaurant. Come stare in awe as Schwa is transformed for 21 minutes into a functioning tapas bar where Werewolf PRince will be on hand to surreptitiously spray paint you with his trademark deities.

*Please note that this is an artist residency wherein new work is being produced. Please have enough money to purchase yourself, or at least have your affairs in order so that you may comfortably live from now until oblivion as art.

August 11th
The immortal vampire Dracula has had many careers and lived many lives. Apart from terrorizing Romanian maidens while living in a castle, Dracula has been a successful investment banker, novelist, private investigator, and acid house DJ. However, the art world knows him as a bold and evocative performance artist whose work asks valuable questions about race, class, and gender disparity in America. In his new show, Oblique Water, the undead artiste invites patrons to smack him upside the head with a colander while he shouts racial epithets and receives gender reassignment surgery from special guest, Marina Abramovic.

September 8th
Professional rich person Alicia Swift has commissioned an installation piece titled, “Jeffrey’s 5th Birthday Party.” Patrons are invited to make blinders with their hands and peer through the glass as Alicia greets parents before leaving five minutes later to take a phone call.

*This party will feature a clown who will not be seen, as he will be running late due to depression.

October 13th
Tulip Aston returns with a project so bold, only a radical gallery like Schwa could host it. Whichever birthday installation visitor appears saddest will be contacted by barn owl to participate in it. During the first week of October, said lucky winner will be flown to Germany to undergo treatment to become a fully wood-based humanoid. Then, in a procedure that will be filmed and projected onto the sidewall of the 8th St. Wendy’s, Tulip will carve the lucky patron into a living, breathing John Candy. The patron will greet gallery visitors using only lines from Candy films like Uncle Buck and The Rescuers Down Under. After the show, Aston will destroy her Frankenstein creation and personally deliver the wood shavings to a confused, angry, and tearful family.

We hope you’ll join us for unforgettable experiences and help the hidden lower-east side art scene to truly flourish!

*Please note that Schwa will most likely slow down after its October show due to the migration of post-college interns going on to their next resume building experience at a smaller gallery or Office Max.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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