Come Visit the Office Depot Paper Shredder Adoption Center this Black Friday!
By
November 29, 2013

Dear Jenny or Current Resident,

Hello, neighbor! Gearing up for the big holiday? You know all of us here at your local Office Depot are too! Like you, we’re excited to spend the season with friends, family, and of course a few new electronic goodies!

Not to put a damper on the holiday cheer, but did you know there are hundreds of thousands of homeless paper shredders out there that don’t have warm closets to be crammed into after only being used once? It’s a sad, surprising, and true fact. So as you shop for great deals on televisions and mobile device accessories this year, why not stop by the brand new Paper Shredder Adoption Center at your local Office Depot and check out one of the many amazing shredders we have available for you to take home today?

Look, we know paper shredders aren’t at the top of every kid’s wish list–from PlayStations to iPads, there’s a lot of great gadgets angling for your children’s attention.

And even if you have considered bringing a shredder home this year, you may not be convinced you’re ready for one! Well, rest assured that everyone in the Office Depot family passionately believes in our duty to remove any and all obstacles standing between you and paper shredder ownership.

Are you worried about the noise sometimes associated with mechanically cutting paper products into tiny, unreassembleable fragments? Our experienced Paper Shredder Adoption Specialists have terrific suggestions on quiet models that need good homes. Is the safety of your wee-ones weighing on your mind? Ask our certified shredding experts about child-proof shredders–your family’s fingers are safe with us! Maybe you’re concerned about the environmental impact of shredding paper. Banish the thought! We’re holding Green Shredding workshops every twenty minutes over the entire Thanksgiving weekend! Bring the whole family! Grandma too! No pets, please.

And because you are our neighbor and respected entry in our mailing list database, we’d like to let you in on a little secret–this Black Friday and this Black Friday only we’re holding a promotion exclusively for you and the other 2.4 million people who found this flyer crammed into their mail-slot amongst a bevy of life-insurance solicitations and credit card offers! Without exception, every member of the Office Depot team is rapturously excited to provide you with the following deal: adopt any two paper shredders this Friday and we will toss in a power strip–absolutely free.

Now is simply the best time to take the plunge into the wonderful and rewarding world of paper shredder ownership. Not only will you have the satisfaction of providing a loving home for a mass-produced hunk of metal and plastic, but you will finally receive that piece of mind you’ve always wanted when disposing of old bank statements, receipts, and pictures of you and your ex at your parents house last Christmas. You looked so happy then.

Sincerely,
Your local Office Depot Team

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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