ATTN: Field Agent
If you are reading this then you know that yet another holiday season has come and sadly our foe still stands. As valiant as our soldiers were last year, as hard as we struggled, we have yet to bring down Christmas. Already this year we’ve taken many casualties. Black Friday is not inaccurately named. While you will be briefed on your specific mission of [MESSAGE REDACTED], the following are to be considered general assignments for all agents in the field to carry out whenever the opportunity arises.
First and foremost, be sure to consistently greet any and all persons you encounter with the phrase “Happy Holidays.” It is absolutely imperative that you never once say the name of our foe, even if you feel you can manage to convey that you are saying it as “X-Mas.” This is the bare minimum that we expect out of all of our agents. We have had some reports that several of you have increased the impact by saying alternate phrases such as “Happy Hanukah.” While we encourage these embellishments when they can maximize effect, we do have to stress that this phrase should be avoided when speaking with a person who may actually be of the Jewish faith. It is not our goal to create an environment of inclusiveness. Our mission remains exclusively the destruction of Christmas.
It has come to our attention that there won’t be snow in Africa and, as such, the children there are rumored to not even know that it is Christmas. Please remain alert for any information that can confirm or deny this. Do they know it’s Christmas time at all? Please be cautious while researching this information that you do not inadvertently let them know. Not unlike a battle against zombies, every child that we can prevent from being exposed to Christmas is one less that we will have to fight later on.
Attached is a sheet containing all dentists located within a 25-mile radius of your check-in position. As you are out on patrols, please visit them individually and explain to them the benefits of removing the two front teeth.
If you see an enemy combatant (aka “Mall Santa Claus”), be sure to immediately rip his beard off in front of as many children as possible. If this combatant has his own beard, enlist the aid of a compatriot child to level allegations of “foul play.” Please choose your child asset carefully as this will require him or her to be exposed to the combatant’s lap and could infect him or her with Christmas cheer prior to the operation’s completion.
If George Michael gives you his heart, you must give it away. The very NEXT day.
If you encounter a TV showing any Christmas “classic” propaganda film such as A Christmas Story, It’s a Wonderful Life, Die Hard, or National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, you are obligated to immediately scramble the feed to display instead Christmas with the Kranks or Deck the Halls. We have embedded enough subliminal messages in these two films that anyone watching them should not and will not ever be able to fully feel the pull of so-called Christmas “joy” ever again.
Most importantly, please be sure to leak any and all of this information to Bill O’Reilly. Despite their complete veracity, his seemingly insane telecasts regarding our cause have done more to keep our clandestine nature intact than even the introduction of atheism into mainstream acceptance.
Good luck soldier. And Happy Holidays.
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