Constructive Feedback for My Kidnappers
By
March 17, 2017

– Establish a consistent narrative. Greg keeps saying you guys are doing this for the money while Dennis claims it’s how you get your kicks. I honestly have no preference towards either, but you need to communicate about these things in the future.

– It seems like there was a lot of miscommunication between you two as to whether you were bringing knives or guns to the initial kidnapping. You had an argument about which one was more efficient and then decided to solve the argument through a dual, one that I would referee. I recognize this is not ‘feedback’ per se, but I can find nothing constructive in your disregard for your personal safety.

– Next time you kidnap someone, plan ahead and rent a larger car. Spending two hours tied up in the back of a Smartcar was one of the worst experiences of my life, simply due to the sheer embarrassment I felt. I’m six foot two, my feet were sticking out the windows. That’s ridiculous. I looked ridiculous. And I was uncomfortable.

– Make sure the radiator in the basement is fastened securely to the wall before you handcuff me to it. I’ve been wandering around the basement dragging this old, rusted radiator like some sort of fool. The sound it makes is irritating and this whole operation is suffering because of it.

– I don’t want to make assumptions, but if you accidentally killed your last captive please do a better job of cleaning up their remains. It’s gross, unsanitary, and frankly disrespectful to me. I know I’m not the only one you’ve kidnapped, but I’d like to think I’m your one and only. Your golden goose, if you will.

– I would really appreciate a larger urine bucket. But in the end, I’m not the one who has to keep carrying a very full urine bucket up and down the stairs. This one’s more for you than it is for me. I’m cool with a small urine bucket.

– Make sure you guys learn my name before you kidnap me. I just think it’s super embarrassing for you to keep calling me Scott when my name is Michael. I don’t like correcting you as much as you don’t like being corrected by me.

– At one point you had me attempt to leave a voicemail for my family, informing them of my kidnapping. I told you time and time again that they would be home at the time we called, but you didn’t listen. Then my mother answered the phone, none of us were prepared to talk to her directly. It was so awkward. I really feel like you need to open your ears to information others are giving you.

– Stop calling each other by your legal names. Give each other some badass codenames, they’re not hard to come up with. Like Eagleclaw, that’s really cool. I would respect a man named Eagleclaw McCool. Not that I don’t respect you two already, but I would respect you more if your name was Eagleclaw McCool.

– We had a really fun day last week during that tremendous thunderstorm. The power went out, we all huddled together in the living room, drank hot cocoa and just talked. Greg, I felt like you really opened up to me and I appreciated that. But then you spilled cocoa on yourself and it “ruined the evening”. Don’t let yourself get hung up on small mistakes, even though I am currently critiquing your small mistakes.

– I can hear one of you sobbing yourselves to sleep. I’m not going to name names, but you know who you are, Greg. I did it, I named names.

– I couldn’t help but overhearing you two have a conversation about Mike Nichols’ film “The Graduate”, and I think you both grossly misinterpreted the ending. Benjamin is not content, rather he becomes disenchanted as he realizes love will not complete him




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