Corrections to the Statements of Allegra Ringo at Age 14
By
June 13, 2014

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Here at Allegra Ringo, we do our best to get the facts straight, but like anyone, we occasionally make mistakes. We’d like to issue corrections to some of our previous statements, stated primarily around age 14.

Statement: “I don’t like the beach. It’s too mainstream.”
Correction: Natural phenomena are not capable of being mainstream, or for that matter, obscure. They simply exist.

Statement: “Who cares if magazines/TV/etc. show unrealistically thin women? No one’s saying women have to look like that!”
Correction: While perhaps not explicitly stated, it is widely accepted that unrealistic beauty standards in media are both real and detrimental to the self-image of many women.

Statement: “Punks not dead”
Correction: Is this a declarative statement or a sentence fragment referencing The Exploited’s 1981 album of the same name? Either way, this statement is too subjective to dispute, but we offer that there should have been an apostrophe in “punks” (i.e. “punk’s not dead”).

Statement: “I have a platonic crush on her.”
Correction: That is a regular crush.

Statement: “Derek is so cute.”
Correction: Derek is not that cute.

Statement: “Milana [my younger sister] is copying me.”
Correction: None.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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