January 8, 2015

Hey, thanks for coming over! Come on in. I’m gonna go put the popcorn in the microwave, and then we can start the movie. Feel free to make yourself at home, take a seat on my couchdog. Hm? On my couchdog. Over there.

What do you mean, “What am I looking at?” You’re standing in my apartment and have a very clear view of my couchdog, so it seems rather redundant to describe to you what you’re seeing. But, as you can clearly see, my dachshund swallowed my couch. Whole. So now my couch is inside of my dog. My couchdog. Yes, like a snake eats a rat. Now that you mention it, he does look like a bell-curve. A couch-shaped bell curve.

Of course you can totally sit down on him. It’s actually really comfortable. It was a good couch before my dog swallowed it, and it remains a good couch. Plus he’s super well trained. His name? Couchdog. Actually, funnily enough, I named him Couchdog before he swallowed the couch. I know, right?

Oh come on now, in what way could this possibly be considered animal cruelty? There’s no law against a dog eating a couch. It’s not like I forced him to eat it! He did that on his own. What’s that? Oh I don’t actually know how he managed to swallow it whole. I was at work when it happened. I just walked into my apartment one evening and BAM! Couchdog. The vet assumes he unhinged his jaw and worked his way slowly, but I guess we’ll never know for sure.

Nah, he’s fine. Look at his tail wagging! Oh, you can’t see it from where you’re standing. If you walk around to the other side of Couchdog you can look at his tail. See? Wagging like normal.

I don’t think that’s a silly question at all. You’re right, ideally he wouldn’t have eaten my couch. It makes things considerably more difficult. Walks take a lot longer for one. And if you think getting him into the car for his vet appointments was hard before… I swear, I’m hiring movers the next time he has a check up. You can only ask friends to help you move your couchdog so many times, you know?

Sure, I mean I guess he’ll eventually have to digest it. But I’m not too worried because I’ve already started saving for a new couch so whenever his stomach acids break it down completely we’ll be good. Yeah, you’d think that but I haven’t actually been able to feel any change to the couch whatsoever. It’s been eight weeks since he swallowed it and it’s completely kept its structural integrity so far, so who knows how long it’ll take.

I don’t know, I think in the end I’ll probably miss it. Hm? I mean, the couch for sure. But I think I’ll miss my dog being a couch as well. They say lightning never strikes twice, but fingers crossed, ya know? Oh popcorn’s done!


The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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