Crafty Handouts For Your Next Airplane Trip
By
March 28, 2017

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These cute, homemade notes pair perfectly with a goody-bag to ensure that, for whatever reason you’re disrupting your neighbors, at least they have this Pinterest-inspired accessory!

FOR BABY

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“Dear fellow passengers— I’m usually a cute little baby, but today I am teething/sick/a wittle gwumpy (circle one). Here are some ear plugs and a sucker to reward you for having the basic human decency to empathize with my exhausted parents and not post about them on social media!”

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FOR UNREGISTERED ANIMAL

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“Dear fellow passengers—I know that people legitimately use therapy animals in daily life, but this is not one of those animals. I flirted with the guy at the check-in counter and it saved me from having to kennel my dog/cat/python/bird/capuchin monkey/pocket squirrel (circle one). I am not a bad person for gaming the system. The system is bad for making it so easy to game. Here are some wet wipes, because as I’ve clearly stated, this animal has not gone through any training in order to ride with me and things might get messy. Also in the baggie is a cute picture of my animal (unfiltered)—see the Santa hat?—so that you can see what fun it can be. You can follow my animal on Instagram @ _____________________. Happy travels!”

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FOR SIGNIFICANT OTHER:

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“Dear fellow passengers—I’m a little sensitive today about my weight/job performance/level of sexual satisfaction/life choices/marriage (circle one). Please don’t try ask me to talk about it, because I guess that just makes things worse somehow. Also, let me have the whole armrest because I don’t want to be touched right now. Here’s a mini-bottle of vodka so that you won’t report mine to the stewardess. Bottom’s up!”

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FOR SELF:

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“Dear fellow passengers—Expect no problems from me! Not me, no sir! This little token of my appreciation is to make your trip a surprise—in a good way! Please don’t take the idea of an airplane surprise seem threatening!

I got the idea for these little bags off of the internet, because any sense of discomfort you may experience during the flight will obviously not be because you let something small like a crying baby get to you, but because you deserve the best. The very absolute best. You do, even though you _________________________ (insert assumption about passenger based on little evidence). This little goody-bag (a crossword puzzle, freshly sharpened pencil, and gum—for those popping ears!) should reward you for existing with the rest of us for the entirety of the flight without grumbling. Thanks again!”

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The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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