Cyrano de Dating App
By
February 13, 2017

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“Dude, it just takes one,” said Chris. 

Cyrano de Dating App was in a funk. He was with his best buddy, Chris, at a café, once again, bemoaning his love life. Tinder, Bumble, well, dating apps in general just weren’t built for guys like him — guys who have a “great personality,” guys with a very large nose.

Chris was telling him to “get back out there” and “to be himself.” A bit of tough love from Chris that Chris thought necessary.

“But, I’ve been on Tinder and Bumble for three months and I got one match from a bot who wouldn’t reply to my message,” said Cyrano.

“Well, it’s about picking the right photos, man,” replied Chris. 

“You mean, ones where my nose is blocked? Perhaps I could stand behind a lamppost in every photo.”

“Well, you got abs, bro. How about setting those babies free?”

“That wouldn’t really be me.” 

“Or, maybe keep the photos but try something different with what you write in your profile. What do you have now?” 

“It says, ‘I love having a good time, trying new things and hiking.’ What do you think it says? It says that I’m an ad copyrighter and I love to read and write poetry.” 

“Bro, brag about how you came up with the new Crest Whitestrips slogan.”

Cyrano shook his head “no.” 

Chris thought for a moment. “Hey, the poetry angle might work. There are some sensitive chicks out there who love that shit.”

At this point, as he had done many times before, Cyrano wondered why he was still friends with Chris. Did being freshman year roommates really mean they should still be hanging out? Ultimately, Chris had a heart of gold surrounded by multiple layers of cheesiness and dipshitery. And, despite Cyrano’s nose, Chris treated Cyrano like just one of the guys and was never ashamed to be known as the best friend of a certified female repellant. One time junior year, Chris punched someone who had called Cyrano “Toucan Sam.”  

“Yeah, poetry, maybe I can play up that. I’m sure all the girls doing yoga poses in their profile photos and claiming that their interests are ‘wine’ will be really into poetry.” 

“Dude, like I said, it just takes one.”

*****

A few days later, in the middle of a brainstorming session for the next talking British lizard GEICO ad, Cyrano had an idea for a new dating profile. He smiled. When the team leader, Samantha, upon noticing Cyrano’s grin, asked Cyrano if he had something, an unprepared Cyrano responded with the most obvious corny nonsense he could think of: “What if the lizard had a wife and kids who also had those funny British accents?” The ad campaign went on to become a runaway success, but that’s another story…

Later that day, Cyrano called up Chris to help him take a new profile photo based on the idea that had caused him to smile that afternoon. 

*****

It had been two weeks and there had not been a single match based on his new, sole photo, which was of Cyrano holding a poster of a brief poem he had written obscuring his nose.  

A disheartened Cyrano, in a fit of extreme loneliness before falling asleep, decided to check a dating app. Tinder was updating on his phone. “Thank God for the updates,” thought Cyrano, “without the precious updates, how would venture capitalists continue to get rich off of monetizing superficiality?”

So, he got on Bumble. Why not help its set of investors?  

He swiped through (mostly right) on about 30 profiles — no matches, of course — then, he saw a profile of a woman named Roxanne. She was stunning. And, her profile photos were all of her modestly dressed seated in normal positions (say, in contrast to a photo of her mid-air in a bikini) and she was reading a book in a photo (say, in contrast to a photo of her holding a glass of wine). She even had a quote from Joan Didion in her profile.

But, Cyrano knew he was too much of an ugo for her. She was out his league. He took a few moments to enjoy her photo, to notice the kindness of her eyes and then he swiped right, figuring that would be it… 

…His screen instantly lit up with a match. Excitement charged through Cyrano, but, he then figured Roxanne had probably just mistakenly swiped right on his profile, went back to his depressed state and then turned off his phone. She wrote him five minutes later, but he didn’t get the message until the next morning. 

*****

Cyrano and Roxanne traded messages for a few days. A connection was forming, no doubt.  They actually discussed a lot via messaging, including how they had both lived in Seattle, how neither could understand why Grey’s Anatomy was still on and who could be watching it, Pablo Neruda, whether Elizabeth Warren would run for President in 2020, and even what they thought the net worth of Pauly D from Jersey Shore was — he guessed $2 million and she guessed $5 million. The easy back and forth continued until Roxanne finally messaged, “Are we gonna meet or what? My number is 310-435-9725.” 

***** 

Cyrano took a few hours to think about how to respond. He figured he had to “be himself” — that was the only way it could work. 

He texted her a photo of himself, nose exposed, along with the message, “Still interested in going out with Toucan Sam?” She wrote right back, “Haha! You bet, as long as you bring your wit…coffee or drinks, Sam?”

Cyrano messaged right back, “So you’re a Haha girl, not an LOL girl. Learning more about you! Coffee. Will text later.” 

She instantly replied, “LOL! (Don’t jump to conclusions.) Looking forward to coffee!!!” 

Dude, it just takes one…

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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