Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but I’m sick of wasting my best material on them and I’m sick of their sunny outlook on life and general interest in things. Every day is the same story. They come running into my bedroom at 6:30 in the morning and start bouncing on my bed while I’m trying to sleep. I wake up just enough to shout, “Dudes! Chill out. You weren’t supposed to wake me up until September ends!” And, nothing. No response. Except maybe my four-year-old will put on his confused puppy dog face and say “What?”
Just kill me now. I need a friend. A dad friend. All I need is a grown-up that I can text my blazing hot observations about daily life in the form of song lyrics from semi-popular songs. Sure, key context might be lost over text message, but I don’t really care. Life is pointless anyway.
Like the other day we were playing out in the backyard. It was all sunny and warm, but not so warm as to be hot. You know, the weather was objectively perfect. I mean, if you like sun and pleasant temperature, which I don’t! Anyway, my kids were frolicking around, blathering on about some game they made up where you have to pick certain blades of grass, but not the wrong ones or the monster will catch you. Of course, they wanted me to be the monster, but I was like, “Guys, are you serious right now? You really want me to play this stupid game even though we’re all going to cease to exist in a yet to be determined number of years?” I didn’t say that, of course, because my kids are too young to learn about how pointless everything is and also because right then one of them said, “What are these shiny little things all over the ground?”
It was broken glass. All over the ground in my yard. Yes, some jerk smashed a bottle on my lawn. And yes, that jerk was probably me, because who cares about broken glass when the universe is going to collapse on itself one day anyway. But the worst part was I yelled at my kids, “Stand back! Otherwise you’re going to know how Annie Lennox feels!”
Nothing. They just stood there. That would’ve killed with my imaginary dad friend.
Then later I was getting lunch ready and I couldn’t find the can opener to open a can of peaches. Of course, my kids were getting all whiny and annoying because that’s pretty much how they always are so I said, “Hold on a second. For once, do you have the time to listen to me whine?” And you might not believe this, but I was already thinking two steps ahead. Because when I found the opener ten seconds later and I popped the can open, I said to my kids, all subtle and serious like, “Did you know peaches come from a can and that they were put there by a man in a factory downtown?”
They just stood there and nodded enthusiastically like I was reading the goddamn gospel or something. Ugh. My hypothetical dad buddy Dave would’ve eaten that up!
And if that and the knowledge that any of us could die literally at any second wasn’t bad enough, I was loading my kids in the car one afternoon and when I buckled the little one in he said, “I love you, Daddy! I want to stay with you forever.” Honestly, I was so touched that I almost started crying. I gathered myself enough to reply, “Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there, with open arms and open eyes, yeah.” Even if tomorrow we could all be wiped out by an asteroid and no one would remember we ever existed.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!