I am worthy and deserving of 2-ply toilet paper.

I live my life to the life-iest.

I possess all that is necessary to make nachos for lunch. *Inhale in one sudden gasp*

My dreams are my reality because I mostly dream about weird work stuff.

I will not click the bait today. I will not click the bait today. Okay, maybe just the one about J Lo’s shoulders through the years.

This is a quote I will say into the mirror. Look at me, saying a quote. I have a good mouth for quote saying.

I am still younger than Lin Manuel Miranda.

Happiness is a choice, and I will choose it just as soon as I hate-watch this clip from Fox News.

I am capable of doing anything I pin.

Today is a new day because I follow the Gregorian calendar.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!