DATING IS HARD!!! AM I RIGHT? Okay, now that we are on the same page, dating really is hard. It’s hard to let people stare at your deepest feelings and have them say, “no thanks.” That’s true for everybody, but I am facing something far worse than being emotionally stunted due to an absent father, or facial deformities due to a factory accident, or even a micropenis; for I am allergic to dogs.
PAUSE FOR GASPS.
Okay, since having problems with dogs is so inherently mind-boggling, I have put my thoughts into the most easily digestible form: here are the top 5 reasons being allergic to dogs makes dating hard:
5. PEOPLE LOVE DOGS
You see a cute, cuddly animal who just wants to love you, even when people don’t text you back, and you feel fat. I see a death machine whose pores ooze toxins that will cause my throat to close. Oh, one also pooped on me once. Just saying.
4. PEOPLE USE DOGS TO TELL IF YOU’RE NOT A MONSTER
It’s a fair barometer, are you able to care for another being that can only reward you with affection? I have actually seen women use their iPhone S.O.S button when I say I can’t be around dogs. They all the sudden think I have no moral compass, and I’m capable of anything. To be honest, It’s the only time I’ve ever been considered a wild card.
3. PEOPLE REPLACE LOVING DOGS WITH HAVING A PERSONALITY
75% of dating profiles include dogs in them. Many say, “only here for your dog.” I’m lost, do you want to fuck my dog? Also, ONLY here for my dog. I’m pretty sure we’re all here because we’re afraid to die alone, at least a little bit.
2. DOGS CAN COVER UP FOR SERIOUS FLAWS
I’ve often asked friends what they like about their significant other, and they describe their SO’s dog for five minutes before they admit they wish their partner had better showering habits.
1. NO, PEOPLE REALLY LOVE DOGS
I have friends who, if you ask the last time they cried, they will say “For real, or because I saw a dog?”
So, for now, I will be taking very painful allergy shots, which involve self-inducing an allergy every week until I can own a dog or figure out a way to cause a post-puberty growth spurt.
The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!