Dating Your Bachelor/ette
By
July 25, 2016

red-rose-320868_1920Summertime sneaks up on you, and if you’re reading this, it already has. The only thing hotter than the temperature is the dating scene. This helps as much as it hinders; when everyone is hot to trot, it’s hard to stand out. But how to prove you’re more of a summer love than a spring fling?

The answer lies in summer’s sibling season: The Bachelorette Season 12. As JoJo and the boys show us every week, it’s easiest to make the best impression on a truly unforgettable date. Unlike most television and movies, reality TV isn’t some scripted fantasy that no everyday person could experience. All of the dates we’ve seen this season actually happened. Thankfully, the cameras were rolling, so the rest of us don’t have to do any thinking. Here are some first date ideas ripped from the pages of The Bachelorette playbook that will ignite your summer romance:

Shop at a street market

Sit in a park in the rain

Blow up a limousine

Crush grapes with your feet and drink the juice immediately

Chop logs for a wood-fired hot tub

Play pickup football with Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, and Brett Keisel of the Pittsburgh Steelers

Drink in your hotel room

Confront your bully in front of your date

Go cliff diving

Perform an original acoustic guitar song about your date’s failed relationship

Do couple’s bikram yoga

Set up a ‘choose your own adventure’ that ends in another city

Dance a three-way tango with your date and a sexual rival

Enroll in firefighter boot camp

Spoon a horse

Take lessons from 92-year-old swing dance legend Jean Veloz (Tip: If you pick it up quickly, this can segway into a Broadway-caliber dance number in the street)

Perform standup about your sexual past in front of a live audience

Swim with professional clowns in an inflatable pool suspended in the air

Propose (fake version)

Watch fireworks on the beach

Confront tabloid accusations from a former lover

Once these spectacular set-ups dazzle your crush, your personality will do the rest.* Whether you want to chat about how you aren’t jealous of your brother’s professional athletic success, laugh about how you haven’t started any of the physical altercations you’ve been in recently, or gossip about how you were affected by losing your best friend while serving in Afghanistan, summer love is sure to follow. Happy dating!

* Editor’s Note: Personality not viable substitute for physical attractiveness

 
 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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