Deadly Missed Connection
By
August 13, 2015

I saw you on the L train heading uptown on Thursday. It was like the late afternoon, I think.

You were so damn hot. I have no idea where to even begin. Let’s see, you were wearing a black dress. Actually, it was more of a robe. Kind of like the one that dude in The Da Vinchi Code wore. You ever see The Da Vinchi Code? It’s such a good movie. My nephew Kyle gave me the DVD (with bonus features) for my birthday last year. I’ve watched that thing, gee, at least 14 or 15 times by now. Yeah, now that I think about it some more, definitely a robe. Either way, you were smokin’.

As for your physical appearance, I got two words for you: skinny and tall. You’ve probably heard this one about a gazillion times, but you’re all skin and bones. Except for the skin part, you didn’t seem to have any skin. Now, lot of my buddies would be way turned off by a chick with a complete lack of skin, but not me. You see, I have a pale complexion which means I can’t really go to the beach and stuff like that either. Also, I’m a weak swimmer so it’s dangerous for me to be within 500 feet of a large body of water (oceans, lakes, swamps, etc). I’ve almost drowned like 9 times. From what I saw, you appeared to have very calcium rich bones. I know this cause I get lots of X-Rays (various ailments) and Dr. Huffman always shows me pictures of what healthy, calcium rich bones are supposed to look like. I can’t prove it yet, but Dr. Huffman is a total quack.

Did not get the chance to see your hair color on account of you had a massive hood that covered your entire head. I hope you’re not blonde. Both of my step-sisters are blonde and they’re dumb as doorknobs.

You didn’t carry a purse, but you did have this sweet walking stick. The walking stick also had this blade on the top. I love a girl who isn’t afraid to really go for it like that, you know? Lots of girls would be too self-conscious to carry around an 8-foot stick with a razor-sharp blade attached to it. God, it was so cute the way you would hold the stick in one hand and point at various people with the other. You even pointed at me once and it felt like my entire life was flashing before my eyes! Guess you have that kind of effect on guys, huh?

I doubt you remember this, but we shared a moment. It was really brief but I think it was something. You grabbed my throat and lifted me up off the ground. Then you said that as much as you wanted to take me with you; it wasn’t my time yet. What did you mean by that? Before I could ask for your number, you burst into flames. If you’re reading this: I’m ready to commit long-term or just fool around, depending on what you’re looking for. Please contact me.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


CARTOONS

facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!