How are you? It must be really cold in the North Pole right now. I bet you’re having an easy time staying warm, especially since you’re super fat. I mean this in the nicest way possible.
I recently heard news that ISIS wants to declare a war on Christmas. That shit is crazy. I know who’s not getting presents this year for sure. Please know that if this escalates, you will always have a soldier in me when things get tough. I can shoot someone from a block away; I’m so good.
Is Mrs. Claus okay? Word around the poles is she wants to dye her hair. I think she should. I think red would be a really pretty color for her, but I know she’s gonna dye it green.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure you know why I am writing to you. I want to give you my Christmas wish list. I’ve been real good this year Santa, I swear. I’m always doing good deeds. I have signed every change.org petition even though I think most efforts are a lost cause. I also did not make fun of my classmates this entire school year, even though they’re all stupid dumb nerds. AND I did not steal. This is hard for some people to do, Santa.
Since I’ve given you enough evidence of me being a good boy, here is my list:
1. A Playstation 5. I know this is not out yet, but I know you have the technology to make one.
2. The ability to draw. If I could draw that would be awesome. Don’t give me the ability to draw anime really well, because I think anime is stupid. And I’ll hate you.
3. The ability to rap so I can impress my friends.
5. Money. $1,000 bills would be cool. Unmarked.I know you have the technology to give me this. You can be on the front of the bill.
6. Precognition. I will use it for good…
7. The soundtrack to the movie “It Follows” , but on cassette.
8. A new water bottle.
I want at least 7 out of 8 of these things. I know you can do it since it’s a pretty reasonable request, honestly. Thanks for everything you’ve ever done for me. I will leave you $20 to ensure I get everything I asked for. See ya.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!