I have a teenage brother named Frankie. He is growing up in a world that is constantly changing. Everyday he discovers something new and that’s great. But, sometimes I worry about the things that he is exposed to. Young people are always doing something crazy. Either they’re trying a new drug, inventing new slang, or listening to the Devil’s newest music.

The other day, my grandma thought she found drugs in Frankie’s room. She said to me, “Tell me the truth. Do you think these are narcotics? Is your brother getting high?” And then she proceeded to show me a bag of green apple flavored pop rocks. My grandma doesn’t speak English so I let it slide. Initially, I was like, “wow grandma, you’re freaking dumb.” I assured her she had nothing to worry about, and then made fun of her behind her back.

My brother has never gotten high, but sometimes he drinks. Nothing too crazy. Frankie told me that a month or so ago, he drank some vodka, but to his surprise the entire bottle was filled with rubbing alcohol. I was happy, because some lessons are learned, not taught.

I trust Frankie, but sometimes I look through his messages to see how he speaks to his friends. Texting has significantly changed within the past few years. It’s radically different than when I started a few years back. Acronyms don’t mean what they used to anymore, so it’s real easy to get lost in translation. I want to help adults understand children and the way they communicate. So, here is a quick guide to the new text slang I have discovered.


When Kids say they hate “M.A.T.H.” they aren’t referring to arithmetic anymore. It means something much worse! It means that teens are beginning to reject the home and Christian ideology.

M.A.T.H. = Mom And The Holyghost

A: Wow, I really fucking hate MATH.
B: Yea, MATH is so oppressive.


Sometimes harmless words, have an incredibly deep subtext that most parents are unaware of altogether.

V.A.P.E. = Violently Assault Police Everywhere

A: Hey man, do you wanna go VAPE this weekend?
B: Oh! Hell yea I love to VAPE.


This acronym is typically used to encourage the use of drugs. Primarily the devil’s cigarettes, Marijuana.

B.T.W. = Bring The Weed

A: Yea, I’m really excited for this party. I’m running errands right now to get stuff ready.
B: Yupp, this party is gonna be tight. I’m heading over, BTW.


DND used to be short for Dungeons and Dragons, it was the only acronym nerds had control over. But now, cool kids have claimed it for themselves.

DND = Drinking N Driving

A: Man, I wanna go out tonight, but I don’t know what to do. Any ideas?
B: Yea, how bout we go out tonight and do a little bit of DND?
A: Oh hell yea! That sounds like a good idea, BTW.


Not all slang is bad. In fact, some slang helps assert personal and moral positions.

I.D.E.K. = I Don’t Even Kill

A: Hey man wanna go murder someone?
B:No, life is precious. Besides, IDEK.


IMY is typically used to describe really basic activities. One of the more neutral acronyms of the bunch.

I.M.Y. = I’m Making Yogurt

A: Haha, you’re so wild.
B: HA! Thanks, you too. What are you doing?
A: Not much. IMY, though.
B: Aw! Really?! IMY, too!

There you have it. Now go out and invade someone’s privacy with the newfound knowledge you have gained!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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